Rated R for Language. Or maybe more like Q.

i'm feeling nostalgic today my friends.

I walked through target today and they had a table of gift ideas for mothers for Mother's Day. I know I need to get on the ball and look for something nice to send to my mom so that it actually gets to her by Mother's Day. But I'm a slacker and going to the post office is a feat that I am not always prepared to accomplish. So. we'll see what happens.

My mom and I have a great relationship. It's not ideal, but it works for us. When I lived in Korea before I got married, I took some Korean language classes to appease my parents. They were pretty mad that I 1. grew up in their Korean home and my Korean sucked 2. that I lived in Korea for over 2 years and my Korean still sucked. So I signed up for these classes, and I ended up being in the 'advanced class' (see? I didn't suck that badly!) with a bunch of Chinese ladies who were married to Korean men. Admittedly- all of them had a better grasp of the Korean language than I did. Ugh. My parents were right to be mad. My Korean did really suck, And as a kid, I went to Korean language classes every Saturday morning, and often times on Monday evenings too. I am something of a resistant learner when I want to be.

Anyhoo, back to my Korean classes as an adult: I was in this class with these Chinese ladies, and they would talk about how they had trouble communicating with their husbands- because they didn't have the same native language. As if it isn't hard enough already when you are trying to communicate with your spouse in the same language! But then one of the women talked about how her kids didn't really want to learn Chinese, they just wanted to speak Korean, because it was easier for them. And then it made me so sad for this mom who couldn't even properly, fully, and freely communicate with her own children because there was a language barrier there. AND THEN I REALIZED THAT WAS MY OWN MOTHER'S PLIGHT FOR THE LAST 24 YEARS WITH ME! And it broke my heart.

When I was a kid, I didn't like eating Korean food as often as my mom cooked it (pretty much 3 times a day, every day.) And I did not want to learn Korean. Cause I didn't see any value in learning this foreign language. I am so embarrassed for the kid that I was, and so very much wish I had paid more attention during all those classes that my parents paid money for! I wish I could talk to my mom on the phone for longer periods of time, and joke around with her and explain to her in detail the things that I am going through and need her advice on. But we do the best that we can. And often times my sister needs to translate things for the both of us. Like the time when my mom thought that Chris spent $30,000 on my engagement ring... cause apparently that's what I told her. Korean is hard people!

But apparently so is English. Even though I am feeling nostalgic and even a little sad right now, I leave you with one of my favorite moments with my mom from about 15 years ago:

I was driving us to the mall one lovely Sunday afternoon. There was a lot of traffic on our way there due to an insane number of people who were trying to enjoy the great outdoors at a park near the mall.

I let out a giant: "Oh Crap!" Because I try not to swear in front of my mother.
But then my mom said as loudly as all get out: "Octopussy!"
*** What the?!?!?!
Me: "Mom! What did you just say???"
Mom: "OCTOPUSSY!"
Me: "Why would you say that?!?!?!!!"
*** now mind you- my mom is a giant James Bond fan. And in 1983, there was a movie that came out that was in fact called Octopussy. So I was frantically looking around to see if there was some giant billboard of this movie. But no. No such billboard could be found. Probably since the movie had been released over a decade earlier.
Mom: "You say CRAB, I say OCTOPUSSY!"
Me: "Mom! I said CRAP. Not crab. And I think the word you are looking for is just 'OCTOPUS.' "
Mom: "Oh. Not octopussy?"
Me: "No. Please stop saying that."

I have to admit that this post was prompted by me telling a bunch of friends at dinner tonight a story about the only time I have ever heard my dad swear in English. It involved ice, our giant van, my dad driving me to the subway station, and us sliding through an intersection and my dad letting out a giant: "Oh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

Magical times. Riding in cars with old immigrants aka my parents.

Fostering Joy

It has recently come to my attention that people don't know anything about my baby, because I never talk about him. And do you know why I never talk about him? Because he's perfect and no one likes a bragger. But, here I am, about to brag about the most amazing 6 month old in the universe.

But before I start showing my baby off, I just want to tell you that I feel sorry for you. Cause you can't see my beautiful baby.

See this dog?

My boy, W, is cuter than him.

This dog is sad because he can't see a picture of W on social media, or even on this blog. It's ok sad dog. Keep eating your tasty looking bagel. I hope the rest of you have some delicious food you can drown your sorrows in.

So, we got baby W when he was 3 days old. He was a six pound peanut. And now at 6 months old- he's still a little peanut, but he has this gigantic noggin! I actually don't know how much he weighs because I am a slacker and I haven't taken him to his six month well-check yet. But I'm going tomorrow! He finally rolled from his front to his back (and it was a lot less rolling, and a lot more gravity making said giant head fall over and propelling his body over.) He coos and says 'dada', which I recognize as a sound he is making, but Chris is elated that he is W's first word. Whatever. He eats like a champ and sleeps pretty great for a little guy. Like I said before- he's perfect. 

I have this cheesy phrase that I have been uttering to God since Lily was a baby. I would say it more and more the cuter and fatter each of my babies got: "You have outdone yourself Lord!" I would say it when they awoke from their naps (only if they had a long enough nap to warrant me missing them.) I would say it when I would feed them. I would say it while I would be giving them their baths. Cause is there anything cuter than a baby in a bathtub? No. There is not. I'm not gonna lie- I never said it with J, my previous foster child. But to my discredit- I usually only say it when I'm looking at babies. There is just something so precious, and innocent, and magnificent about babies that brings out this mushy cheeseball in me, and it helps me to see how good, and pure, and wonderful God is for creating these incredible little creatures.

The only bad thing about baby W is that he is rude. He interrupts conversations that I am having ALL THE TIME. People have honestly been baring their souls and hardships to me while I would be holding W, and then he would suddenly turn and look at them with his gorgeous blue/green/brown/purple eyes (see how good I am at keeping his identity a secret! His eyes are only one of the above listed colors, but I am not going to tell you which one it is!) and the person would stop talking to me to talk to him. See? Rude.

As the kids' 3rd quarter wrapped up a few weeks ago, we went to their school to see their end of quarter work. Topher wrote a little piece entitled: "How to Take Care of Foster Kids". Yeah, he wrote a book about it. I'm looking for a publisher as we speak. Page one said: "First, you need a foster kid to come to your house." Page two was just as riveting: "Then you take care of the kid. You feed them and play with them and love them. If it is a toddler, you play with them. But toddlers are hard and foster babies are easy." True story child.

I think my lack of posting about W has caused people to think that we weren't fostering anymore. And I am not lying when I say I barely feel like I am fostering right now. To the state's credit- they are making my job very easy. He goes on his visits to see his parents twice a week and an amazing person comes and picks him up, supervises the visits, and brings him home. EVERY WEEK. I used to drive for about an hour, one way, to drive J to her visits every other week. I just didn't have any opportunities to miss her or have a real break from her before I registered her for school. But I have lots of opportunities to miss baby W, and miss him I do!

I have come to realize that I can do things that are sad, but I do not like to do things that are hard. Fostering J was really hard for me. We didn't connect the way I thought we should, and that made me feel like poop all the time. I felt like a failure. I felt so mad that she was so 'bad' (toddler bad. not actually evil-bad) when I was trying so hard to do something so good for her. And for God. I felt guilty for how happy I was when she went back home. Then I felt afraid that maybe there was something wrong with me and that I would never connect with any foster kids. And then I felt anxious about whether or not I could continue to foster if I felt like a failure the whole time.

But then baby W came along and washed all those fears and anxieties away. I now  know I can love freely and wholly, a baby that I did not grow in my womb. People say they couldn't foster because they wouldn't be able to say goodbye. It would be too hard. The opposite is true for me. I will be crushed if/when I have to say bye to this baby that I am in love with. (I even love the weird way his breath smells as he pulls my face into his with his sweet little hands! I'm a smitten kitten!) But I would rather be sad, even depressed that someone I loved dearly and well has gone away, rather than missing out on the insane joy I have been blessed to experience the last six months.

Man, I did not mean for this to be a public service announcement. But if there is anything in you that has ever thought about the remote possibility of fostering- e-mail me! Call me! Text me! I will help you to start this journey. There are over 18,000 kids in the foster care system in Arizona alone. I want to challenge you to open your heart and your home to see how God can outdo himself.

when you want upon a star

when I last wrote, a month ago, I bragged about how mature and awesome I have become in my old age. since that post, I have pooped in my pants (thanks for nothing amoxicillin!) and fallen into a depression that could rival any self-centered 16 year old's. and that's why bragging is something we should all avoid.

I thought I was doing fine. my life is going really well! when i'm hanging out with people, I forget about myself. I forget that I hate my skin. i'm able to focus on others. but when i'm alone... it's bad news bears. my skin is just really really sucking still and I am so very frustrated about it. the most frustrating thing is that my Chinese voodoo herbal doctor did not heal me this time. and I really had all my eggs in that basket. but after about three weeks of suffering through drinking the most disgusting crap on earth, twice a day, I still look awful. and all I can think about is this verse:

"some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
-Psalm 20:7

ugh. was I trusting in my voodoo doctor too much? apparently. (she isn't a voodoo doctor. I;m just saying that to be hilarious. because I am hilarious.) but I would justify that she was giving me herbs, and herbs are from the earth, and God created the earth, so God was still healing me. it's like 6 degrees of separation from the Holy One. only I did this one in 4. and yet no healing. weird.

I've been wrestling a lot with the thin line that separates Wanting from Wishing.

Wishing is what my kids do when they throw pennies in a fountain. Wanting is what you do when you are prepared to make something happen.

I wish to be a successful blogger or writer one day. But I only write once a month because I would rather get more sleep than write. So this stays in the wish category.

I WANT to have my skin clear up. So I have gone to my Chinese herbalist, and the dermatologist, and my regular family doctor, and I spend tons of money on lotions and potions, and I am back to being red meat-free, pork-free, dairy free, gluten free, fried food less, seafood less, and I am taking every vitamin under the sun, and I am sun bathing, and basically driving myself insane with trying to get my skin better.

But then when I am weak and I eat some sushi, or a taco, or some ice cream, or some other offending food, I go from WANTING better skin, to just wishing for it. 'I hope this burger doesn't jack me up!' blow out the candles.

Is there something that you think you Want, but in fact you are just wishing for it?

Our pastor even talked about this in his sermon this weekend.

he spoke about the invalid in John 5:6-8. this man had been unable to walk for 38 years, and Jesus approaches him and asks: "Do you want to be healed?"

He asks do you WANT to be healed. not 'do you WISH to be healed?'

The man obviously says he wants to be healed and Jesus commands him to pick up his bed and walk. AND HE DOES IT! And is healed.

I am guilty of often times praying and asking God for something and wishing for Him to miraculously make it all happen. too often I am the man who says I want to be healed, but when God tells me to get up and pick up my bed and walk, I sit and stare and think 'how come I am not magically levitating and you haven't picked my bed up for me Lord?'

it is so easy to wish. to throw those coins. to blow out those candles. to wish upon a shooting star! but it is so hard to want. to do the work. to put in the effort. to be totally and completely healed.

what do you need healing for or from?

is it your body? your marriage? your mind? your friendships? your finances? what is it???

God can heal you. He is healing me. slowly. frustratingly so. but He is. when I stop being obsessed with myself and all the things that are wrong with me, I can see it and I can feel it. and I want to encourage you my friend, that you can be healed too. you are not alone. get out of that bed (I had a very hard time with that this last week and even cried once. pathetic! but that's ok!) put your big girl pants on. and tell me what you want. let's Want to get healed together, and leave the wishing to cute little kids at their birthday parties.

35

Hello?

It's me.

I always have this song stuck in my head.

And I LOVE it.

Many many years ago, when the church I went to was a quaint, little church, they had cards for attendees to fill out so they could get a feel for who was coming to church. I brought a friend of mine who was a quite a few years older than me, and the card didn't just ask: How old are you? It wanted you to check a box to see which age backet you fit in. I believe there was a box for 20-34 year olds, which is the box I gladly checked. My friend however, had to check the 35-50 box. Thirty-five to FIFTY. I would now fall into that category! With fifty year olds!

But in all seriousness I am totally fine with being 35. I have had a very delightful birthday month, because I have phenomenal people in my life who floor me with their kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, and friendship. My parents forgot my birthday, which is absolutely and completely fine, because they belong in the 67-100 year old bracket. I feel sorry for them more than anything else ;)  (Why can't I use emojis in my blogpost? Those little things say so much without saying anything at all.) But back to my birthday, it was a great one. Except I had one major party-pooper that followed me around to all of my birthday outings- and that party pooper is Guttate Psoriasis. AKA The Bane of my Existence.

If you're new around here, or you have a really bad memory (cause you're 67-100, or you're a mom) I struggled with guttate psoriasis last year (and on my birthday to boot). And when I say I struggled with it- I mean that it beat me down hard and good. It caused me to spiral down into a depression that caused me to hate myself, robbed me of my joy, and played such insane mind games with me that I convinced myself that my husband was cheating on me. Which he wasn't. But like I said- I was struggling slash losing my mind.

So now my guttate psoriasis is back, but fortunately the angst and insanity is not. Time hasn't healed me, but I have still done much healing, thank you very much Adele. You may be 25, and way richer and more famous than me, and you write great music, and I like the way you do your eye make up, and your skin is so clear and creamy- like cream cheese... I got nothing You are awesome Adele!

I am seeing my Chinese Herbal Doctor again and eating overly healthy foods and nothing that I actually want to be eating (Big Mac and a big Coke with a side of pizza.) I am doing weird things again like pouring apple cider vinegar on my head and rubbing coconut oil amd olive oil on my face and body. I basically smell like my pantry, and I have moments where I really really hate my skin (as in every time I look in the mirror) BUT that has not translated into me hating myself. Victory. I am loving my life, and very excited for the many different things that are coming up this year. I do believe this 35-50 portion of my life is going to be the best age bracket yet.

Our Digital Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas! 5 Days ago...

We did not manage to send out Christmas cards this year, nor did I manage to get this Christmas letter/ blog post out before Christmas. But Christmas was less than a week ago, so I am still just a tiny bit proud of myself for writing this at 6:30am, before the year is up!

We had a ridiculously memorable year! It started off with some hard, crappy, sad, and difficult things, but as seasons change, so did the trajectory of our year, and we experienced many wonderful, amazing, unexpectedly incredible things.

In the winter, we were still a family of six. We still had little J with us (who came to us in July 2014), and she turned 2 in January, and I kid you not- that's when things started to go downhill for us. Terrible twos is real people. As real as paper, princesses (Kate Middleton.), PMS, and psoriasis. I happened to be struggling with the worst outbreak of psoriasis of my life, that had started in November, and didn't disappear until about April. If you missed out on that ugly chapter of my life, you can read more about it here . We had friends going through very difficult times too, and it was as if this dark cloud was just looming over us. Chris had become a sergeant in October, but was working nights and weekends and it was a really difficult transition for me. The moral of the story is: everything was very difficult for me in this particular season of life.

But the not-so-difficult things were that Lily turned 8 and Topher turned 7 just as we were transitioning to the spring. Lily is really starting to blossom with her piano playing, and Topher amazes us with his origami skills! Lily and Topher are still great buds (having them a year apart was totally worth it!) and they love playing video games together on the weekends and playing crazy games that they make up with their cousins. Spring was definitely better than winter, especially because J was in childcare during the week, which helped me to catch my breath and regain some of my sanity. I felt guilty about sending her to school, especially cause I am a stay-at-home mom and Mia was still home with me, but what I learned in this season of life was that I needed help, and I needed to accept it without guilt or shame.

Summer turned out to be all kinds of wonderful. Though this is usually my least favorite season of the year, living in the desert and all, but it ended up being so very enjoyable! We went camping with Barb and Jerry and , and though it was surprisingly very wet and cold, we enjoyed being with our family. Then we went to Toronto! We got to meet Jordan, my newest nephew, eat tons of food, hang out with our family and friends, and Chris and I managed to get away for three days to pre-celebrate our 10 year anniversary. It was SO GLORIOUS. I didn't ever think it would be possible for Chris and I to get away without our 4 kids, but we did it with the help of all the Hams in Toronto and Robert and Lindsay back in Arizona, who watched J for 10 days!! Then we came back home to the sweltering heat, but Chris got a schedule change so we were seeing more of his beautiful face at home. We managed to see my parents again for a weekend in Las Vegas while J stayed with Wes and Kim. Shortly after that, J went back home to be with her family (you can read about that here) and we decided to take a month break from foster care to regroup and rejuvenate. Even though I ended up in the ER after I threw out my back a week after she left, I was feeling so great! Having three kids can be hard, but having four kids, can be really hard- especially when one of them is a toddler and toddlers are not your jam. So after J went home, having only 3 kids felt like a dream.

Then fall continued on this dreamy high- I won an all-expense paid trip to New York through Wendy's Lookbook, Marissa Webb, and Banana Republic. IT WAS THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!! If for some reason you missed out on that fabulous chapter of my life, you can read about it here, here, here, or just click on the labels that say 'jihae does NYFW15'. This was also made possible with the village of people who helped out with the three kids. My friends and family are seriously SO INCREDIBLE!!! The day after I got back from New York, we went back on the list to get a foster baby (ONLY a foster baby! no more toddlers!) and we got one. A sweet little guy that was 2 weeks old. And then he left the next day. That was fast and crazy, and another unexpected blessing. (You can read about it here.) Our newest little guy, who is our third foster child, is still with us. He goes by W here on the blog, and he is a magical little being. We looooooooooooooove having a baby in the house again! And we adore him specifically. Then Chris went on a mission trip to Israel, which was an incredible, and beautiful experience. One of the biggest blessings of that trip was seeing God provide for the funding of that trip. Chris had to raise $3,800 and was very worried before the trip about how he would raise that. But as I mentioned before, our community is an incredible and generous one, and so Chris ended up raising more than $5,000, which helped some of his teammates out quite a bit too. Thanks to all who were part of this miracle and gave so very very generously! The day after Chris got back from Israel, he started at his new position as a sergeant at the police academy. This means he works normal hours during the week! We get to hang out EVERY WEEKEND! Together! As a family! It's the best!!!!!

 And now winter is back, but so very different from the winter we started off with. We are a family of six again, but a sane, and stable family of six. Mia turned 4 in November and is just so much fun to be around! Unless she's being crazy and having a tantrum. But otherwise she is so delightful and enjoys playing with Playdoh, Barbies, and Peppa Pig. Lily often plays with her and it brings my heart so much joy to see these sweet sisters playing together even though there is a 4.5 year gap between them. Speaking of sisters- I finally saw mine again! Jeehon and her family had been stationed in Singapore since August of 2014, so I didn't see them for over a year! So just this last week we all went to Las Vegas to celebrate Christmas (such an appropriate place to celebrate the birth of Christ our Saviour!) with The Malloys and my parents and my brother's family. It was so great for all 7 Ham cousins to be together, and everyone got to meet W and love on him too. I met my nephew Sunjae (yes that's Topher's Korean name too, but they are spelled differently in Korean, and therefore mean different things.) for the first time, and my heart feels complete and full having spent a whole week with my family.

Chris and I have been married for 10 years now and we are so thankful for this last decade together. It's had some downs, and lots of ups. I was looking through our wedding pictures recently and came across our wedding invitation which had our verse on it:

"A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Ecc 4:12)

 No matter the season, we are so thankful for God's provision, mercy, love, and grace. He has protected us from much, and saved us from more. As we wrap up another year, we are always amazed at the people who are standing around us, supporting us in all that we do. Thanks for walking through 2015 with us.

thanks Barb for taking these great pictures in your beautiful backyard!!

The Stuggle is Over!

Mia.

Oh my sweet, precious, last born. She is so crazy I don't even know where to begin with her!

I am going to be completely honest with you for a second here. I started this struggle series a few weeks ago, because something happened that I was VERY embarrassed about. And I didn't want to talk about it with others, because it was so embarrassing. But then I remembered that people have honestly actually come up to me and told me that my life looks perfect, and I realized I needed to be much more open about my struggles. I don't lie about stuff here on this blog, nor do I intentionally try to dupe anyone into thinking that my life is too good to be true. Did you read my posts about my first foster placement? I was a pretty serious disaster back then. And, oh wait. I still am today. I don't know how people could ever get the perception of perfection from looking at me, but I am here to proclaim that I am very mediocre and I am ok with that!

So, back to Mia. And my embarrassment. Mia just turned 4 last week. Two weeks ago? And even though she honestly potty trained herself at about 20 months of age (bless those older siblings of hers that I have been whining about!) she has not been able to sleep without a Pull-Up. She's FOUR. The diaper industry has been robbing me blind for almost 8 consecutive years!

I am realizing more and more that children's bladders are like snowflakes- not a single one of them is the same. Lily was successfully potty trained by her third birthday. But we had two VERY unsuccessful, and one VERY TRAUMATIC attempts before that glorious day that she no longer needed a diaper. She night trained herself within two or three days and the poop training took a bit longer, with the help of lots of Miralax and lots of prayers. Topher was potty trained before he was two, but he wasn't night trained until he was about three. His bladder was pretty small so he had a lot of accidents compared to Lily who had hardly any. Then Mia was on the same track as her brother, but then eclipsed the time that she required to become night trained.

I tried so many things with her: making sure she didn't drink anything after 6:30pm (she goes to bed at about 8), waking her up in the middle of the night to pee, making her do bikram yoga before bed so that she had no moisture left in her body... Just kidding. We really did try to bribe her with clothes, toys, and candy. But nothing worked. Do you know why? Cause her bladder is a snowflake. It wasn't and isn't like anyone elses. I was SO PROUD of her early potty training accomplishment, even though I know I truly had nothing to do with it. But then I was so embarrassed about her inability to stop peeing at night, even though I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

Parents who are trying to potty train your babes: Relax. Don't compare your kid to any other kid.
There's no point. Your kid is a snowflake.

I started writing this post over two weeks ago. And miraculously enough- MIA NO LONGER WEARS A PULL UP TO BED! She had a week of waking up dry then wet every other night for about a week. And then her bladder decided to pull up it's big girl panties one day and the flood gates were closed! It has been so wonderful! And I am so happy for Mia and myself. So the struggle is OVER! I WON THE POTTY TRAINING WAR!!!!! Even though I had nothing to do with it.                        

The Struggle is Still Real. Part 2.

Sorry I lied folks. I said I would whine about Topher "tomorrow" but tomorrow was yesterday and yesterday was too busy and I died of tiredness when we got home. Even though it's about the same time now as it was when I died yesterday- I am not tired now. This is due entirely to the fact that I had my VERY FIRST eggnog latte of the year and I was so beyond ecstatic while I was ordering it, that I forgot to ask them to make it a decaf. See? The struggle. Daily. Really.

Anyhow, I have been having a hard time with Topher lately. I am not entirely sure why, but it has  a lot to do with my lack of patience for him, and his insane, amazing, yet annoying obsession with ORIGAMI.

Topher's brain is on a level that my little brain will never rise to. It can't. I'm an old dog. I have got no new tricks! Topher's favorite thing to do is to watch YouTube videos on how to make different origami creations. Not just a paper frog, crane, guinea pig (though that would be impressive)- but like crazy things that move to transform from one thing to a different thing, like modular origami transforming ninja stars. Out of Post-It notes. And he watches the video one time, makes the thing, and then just keeps making more and more things.

It's fantastic and insane. We have little scraps of paper EVERYWHERE. And pieces of papers that have been folded, and refolded, and folded over again and again, all over the place. It's maddening. And then when I try to tell my precious son that he needs to put his stuff away, clean up after himself, please don't leave the scissors lying around, he cops this attitude out of nowhere and lays on this strange guilt trip- 'Fine. I'll just throw all my origami creations in the garbage. You hate them all.' What? I just told you to pick up the scissors so your sister doesn't cut her hair off. Even though it looks like his sister has already cut a lot of her hair off...

I don't have an awesome parenting moment that follows Topher's dramatic monologues. I am often at a loss for words and compassion because I have no idea why he says that crap All the Time. I guess for attention (that's the #1 go-to answer for parents, isn't it?) I know I need to try harder. And as I type that, I know that I don't need to try harder- I need to humble myself more often as a parent, and be filled with the Holy Spirit, because only with Him, am I actually, genuinely, able to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient,  kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.

Ugh. Letting it all soak in. For me. Not for you. Surely you don't struggle with this kind of nonsense...

Anyway before I drown my sorrows in a glass of whine (haha!), I leave you with Topher's third, and most recent draft of his Christmas letter to Santa this year:

"Dear Santa for Christmas I want these 4 objects. can I have looooooooooooooooootts of jumbo packs of origami paper and normal paper (some of it colored paper). "Origami Ooh-la-la" by Jeremy Shafer; "Origami to Astonish and Amuse" also by Jeremy Shafer. Please and Thank you.
Sincerely, Topher."

If anyone actually knows Jeremey Shafer, holla. Topher wants him to come to his birthday party.

The struggle is really real. Part 1

Coming back to real life and my first 'mom post' since all my New York posts, I thought I would share with you all the magical things that we've been struggling with over here in our neck of the woods.

Lily: Last week was a ROUGH week for our eldest. For some reason The Indian in the Cupboard was causing us all a lot of strife. This book is her book for the 'Book Club' (reading group) that she is in for her class. We bought the book at Barnes and Noble the day before she was supposed to have it at school, and then it was all down hill from there. Book Club is on Thursdays. They are supposed to read three chapters a week and answer a few questions. Lily took her book to school on Monday. And left it there. But she said she had finished chapter one, so I didn't need to worry.

Then Tuesday happened, and I told her to bring the book to the living room so that we could read it together. She wasn't coming, and when I found her she was sitting at the kitchen table with her school binder open. I looked at her and said "you forgot your book at school again, didn't you?" and then she started to sob. And like the awesome, compassionate mother that I am, I walked away. Cause I knew it wouldn't help to shake her. (See? Compassion!... or something...)

Then Wednesday came, and Chris and I were going out. Which is why I wanted to read with her on Monday and Tuesday! The babysitter came and I told her that Lily had to finish reading up to chapter 3 in order to do ANYTHING that night, besides eating dinner. For some unknown, insane reason, it took her TWO AND A HALF HOURS to read two chapters.

THEN came Thursday. The day of her Book Club. I was so proud of her for finishing her assignment and being ready for Book Club. Until I walked into the dining room at 10am to see The Indian in the frickin Cupboard sitting on the dining room table. I nearly lost my mind. No. I did lose my mind. I e-mailed her teacher and asked if they did Book Club in the morning or afternoon and that I would bring the book straightaway if Lily's group hadn't already met. And of course they already had. But her teacher said she did great and not to worry.

You'd think that would be the end of our trials and tribulations since Book Club already happened and we survived it. But no.

CAUSE THEN FRIDAY happened. And Lily dressed up like the cowboy from this fantastic book that has been terrorizing my life, and she even made an INCREDIBLE pumpkin that had an indian behind some cupboard doors. it was seriously a piece of art. So she had that, and her book, and she showed it off at her literary parade. AND THEN SHE LEFT THE BOOK AT SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! On the lunch table. Outside. I called the school at 3:30. Janet, the front desk admin, picked up the phone, heard my sob story, looked everywhere, including all the garbage cans outside, and the lost and found, and saw no pumpkin, and no book. For the love people. And then at 6:00pm- on a FRIDAY- Janet, my most favoritest person in the world, called me back. In fact, like a sleuth, had to go through and try to find my phone number on her phone cause she remembered that I called around 3:30, and told me she had found the pumpkin, and the book, and also Lily's watch, which happened to be in the bag with the other two prized possessions. I am going to see who I need to call to nominate Janet for some kind of Nobel Peace Prize. Lily is alive, doing great, and we have enjoyed reading the next three chapters together very much.

Sometimes people say our life looks pretty perfect. It's not! See? The struggle is real.

#jihaedidnewyork. only a month ago!

I just straight up stole that image from Wendy's Lookbook. I don't have my phone near me and I can't get all my pics on the computer properly. You'd seriously think I was 75 or something with my absolute lack of technological savvy.

That bottom right pic is of Marissa, Wendy and I at the end of the Banana Republic presentation that I went to on Saturday, Day 3 of my awesome NYFW extravaganza.


I started off the day with this gorgeous beaut once again:

We brunched at La Petite Abeille, which is the first place I went to with Wendy and Nina. I can't remember what my friend got, but I had these potato pancake things (like a rosti) with smoked salmon and sour cream. Oh it was so delicious! My mouth was so happy the WHOLE trip!!!!

After brunch, we walked around. I had to find a gift for my girls, cause I still hadn't done that. We went to an adorable book store, which was on like 17th or 18th Street, and I saw Eva Chen. I didn't stop her, cause she was with her daughter and another lady. But I was kind of starstruck and regret not saying Hi. Eva Chen used to be the Editor of Lucky Magazine, but has recently become the fashion person at Instagram. I'm really letting my weird stalker side show, eh?

My friend and I went to a few stores, she bought a ton of sweet books for my kids, and then we parted ways. I hope I see her again sooner than later. I reminded her that though the desert is terrible in the summer, it is like heaven on earth in the winter. And I should also take a minute to thank the incredible people who watched my kids while I played and Chris worked. I was gone 4 nights and my kids slept in 4 different homes! Thanks a million Lindsay, Christin, Carrie, and Grace for watching, entertaining, feeding, and loving my kids!!!!!!

I met up with Wendy and Nina for lunch, I don't remember what the place was called but it was delicious, and it was right across the street from Banana republic's flagship store on 5th Ave. Then we went over there and I watched Wendy take a bunch of pics for Banana's Instagram. I seriously just loved watching these women work! And even in the middle of working it, women would stop Wendy, and tell her how much they loved her, I would take their pictures, and Wendy would just stop and chat and get to know her fans a little better. She is seriously just so dang NICE.

After loitering at the store for a while longer, we hoped into a cab and made it down to Banana's Spring/Summer 2016 presentation. (Word to the wise: save up some extra spending money for some fun-colored, gorgeously tailored pieces from Banana next spring!) We were there about an hour before everything started and it was just COOL watching everything transpire. Marissa was there telling the models what to do. There were tons of press photographers getting their shots before the 'public' (I don't actually know how you get into these things...) came in. And when it was time for the press photographers to go- it was time for them to go! I saw a couple of them hide their cameras and just stay in the room. the difference between the Banana presentation and Marissa's runway show was that Marissa's models walked and the Banana models pretty much stood in place. But beautiful clothes were present at both shows, and I feel like my first (only? last?) Fashion Week experience was an eventful and mesmerizing one!

 That night we went out with Wendy's beautiful friends and we ate, talked about life, and a bit about clothes, and our families, and traveling. I was sitting at the cool kids' table and I was loving it. I will probably never see these delightful people again (except in my Instagram feed) but I am so glad our paths crossed and I got to meet some fantastically fashionable professionals who are living their dreams.

I said bye to Wendy and Nina at the hotel, and we made promises to see each other again. They only live an hour plane ride away, or a fun 6 hour car ride (which I actually love driving), so I hope to see these two again. We have texted and will emoji the crap out of each other on Instagram. It's not a traditional friendship, but it seems as though more and more friendships and relationships blossom over the interweb nowadays, so maybe I now have a 'currently traditional' relationship with these women.

The plane ride home was an excellent one, since I got to sit in the aisle and got up to pee three times without bothering anyone. Sitting in the window seat on my way to New York- I held it for five hours. I think that's some kind of personal record for me. I was afraid of terrorism, or mechanical malfunctions that might prevent me from getting home to see my beautiful family AND from letting me enjoy all the new, beautiful, wonderful things I had gotten on my trip, so I prayed fervently to get home safely, hoping that the fact that my priorities were straight (though just barely) would save me.

It's now been over a month since that crazy weekend in September, that I vowed I would never forget but am already feeling foggy on some of the details (what did I eat for lunch on Saturday before we went to Banana again? How did I not take more pictures? Why is my memory so terrible?) So, even if my tales have already grown tiresome to you, and just barely interesting. I needed this post more than you did! And with that- we now return you to your regularly scheduled programming of mothering, living unglamorously, though exceedingly blessedly, and suddenly a bit more stylishly.

Shopping spreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never been on a shopping spree before in my life.

The closest I have ever come to going on one was two years ago, when I went shopping with my parents and sister in Las Vegas, and my dad was feeling super generous so he bought my sister and I new shoes and some clothes. It was so very fun, unexpected, wonderful, and a memory I will treasure forever.

But. That was my dad's money. He works a lot and hard. I got some $30 shoes and probably $50 worth of clothes. So great. Cause you know I know how to get a bang for my buck! But, I wouldn't call that a real shopping spree.

When I heard I won this contest, and that there was a SHOPPING SPREE AT BANANA REPUBLIC involved, I nearly lost my mind. as did those who were nearest and dearest to me. there was lots of speculation and hopes and reality, but when it came down to it- I had no idea what to expect. Even while it was happening!

So, day two of my incredible NYFW extravaganza started off with me meeting a dear friend who I went to high school and university with. somehow, even with those two major educational similarities- we veered way the heck away from one another after our post secondary education. I moved to Korea, and taught, and eventually got married and had a crap ton of kids. My sweet friend decided to go to Harvard Law and is now a pretty incredible lawyer in New York. I hadn't seen her since she came to my wedding ten years ago!

We met for breakfast at this little place called The Grey Dog Café. It was delicious. And once again- it was a novel treat to eat my food while it was hot and fresh! Eating with no kids and one incredible adult who never needed my assistance with anything was such a great start to this amazing day!

And then my important lawyer friend had to go and lawyer it up, so I went walking around, and waited til it was time to meet up with Wendy for my shopping spreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

When the magic moment had arrived, Wendy and I walked into the flagship Banana Republic store on 5th Ave, and Sarah and Amy were there waiting for us. Sarah and Amy are my new heroes because they were the ones who arranged all of my flights and hotel stay and other major wonderful details of my trip, cause they work for Gap Inc. (I'm positive. Cause I google stalked them so hard.)

Wendy asked if I minded if she styled me today and I said OF COURSE NOT! who would not want to be styled by Wendy of Wendy's Lookbook?!?!? So, we waked around the store and seriously just started grabbing things. Not Walmart-Black-Friday style grabbing. A slow, intentional, and thoughtful grabbing of clothes that I would never have dreamed of owning!! Wendy grabbed stuff I never would have picked, I grabbed stuff that I knew I was going to get whether Wendy liked it or not (I don't know if she ever just wears plain cotton shirts...) And then we went to the dressing rooms.
Or MY dressing room.

Yes. Amy and Sarah sectioned off the largest dressing room for me, and even had a little velvet rope sectioning off my party area. How do I not have pictures of that? I guess I was too damn excited people! They had juice and champagne- there was no end to the awesomeness!

And then I tried on The Stuff. I started with a little black dress that Wendy picked out that I NEVER would have picked. It was form fitting but not skin tight. And it was incredible cause I have no figure. No, I have the figure of a 12 year old boy. And after a large meal, I actually look like a malnourished child- flat on top, distended belly. It ain't pretty. But this dress! This dress made me look like a lady.

Wendy had also picked out a ton of outer pieces like a blazer type vest- Marissa Webb inspired, some sporty looking vest type thing, an actual blazer (that fit like a friggin glove!), and I picked some cardigans (cause I cannot live without cardigans.) We mixed and matched things and it was the most fun I had ever had in a store. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPINESS PERSONIFIED!

The clothes we started out with...

Me. Drunken with material joy.

And then it was all over. I tried everything on. Said no to some stuff. Said HECK YES to everything else. And then Amy and Sarah took my stuff and had it sent to my hotel. Thank you ladies for not over looking one single detail! And thank you Marissa Webb for making Banana Republic a store that I want to shop at again!

The shopping spree was over, but the greatness of my day was not. We went to High Tea at Bergdorf Goodmans. It was all kinds of crazy fancy. We had yummy tea, wine, adorable finger sandwiches, scones, and dessert things. Magnifique!

While we were at High Tea (we were supposed to get there at 4, we got there closer to 5:30) Wendy made reservations for dinner at this amazing restaurant with the unfortunate name of 'Quality Meats'. Kind of made me think of 'The Dress Barn', which is apparently trying to make a fashion comeback- which will take some Herculean efforts due to that name (maybe they would succeed if they changed the name of the store.) Our meal there was outstanding (the meat was top quality! they weren't lying!) But between our late lunch and our very late dinner- I watched Wendy do some shopping. And that was also lots of fun. Except that I was wearing heels. And I don't remember the last time I wore heels for that long.

After dinner, we got back to our hotel at about 11pm. Nina turned in to do some work, and then Wendy and I went to get foot massages. I don't particularly like it when other people are touching me, but I did want to saw my feet off with a butter knife after walking around in heels all night- so I agreed to the foot massage. Wendy and I had a great time chatting about life, and love and love languages. Our talking spilled past our time at the massage place, so we hung out in the lounge of our hotel til about 1am. We laughed, we cried. Maybe we did become blood sisters in that hotel lounge after all...

I was pretty exhausted after I got to my room. But my adrenaline was pumping again when I opened up all my bags!!!!!

Here's some of the stuff I got...

And here is a less glamourous shot (cause it's in my bedroom in my house. I need new and fancier bedding!!!!) A ton of people have asked me how much stuff I got from my shopping spree, so I will give you a run down:

-two pairs of jeans (both ripped!)

-a pair of pants

-two dresses

-a sweater/dress

-two long sleeve tees

-a tank top

-the cute glasses t-shirt you've seen me in at least a dozen times by now

-the smart cookie sweatshirt (one of my fave items!)

-a long cardigan

-a blazer, a sleeveless blazer, and that sporty vesty thing I was talking about

-a pink moto jacket (Wendy's pick! I do love it though I never would have picked it.)

-an awesome jean jacket that actually fits me well

-a super cute black skirt (the striped thing next to the jeans)

-two belts, a ring, and some bracelets

basically I made out like a bandit!

THANKS AGAIN BANANA REPUBLIC!

I no longer look like a run down clearance rack monger.

And my husband thanks you ;)

an average person's fashion week experience

You know how amazing things happen and you think they are so incredible that you will never forget them for as long as you live? And then you live a little more and you realize you can't remember anything? I don't remember any of my kids' first words. I started this blog because I could not believe that I could forget something that momentous. I don't remember the date that chris proposed to me, even though that was one of the best days of my life! So, needless to say, I am still reveling in the wake of my New York trip, and I have told so very many people all about it already, but part of me is afraid that I am going to forget the details. The fun, amazing, unreal details of this trip. So even if you are all done with my #jihaedoesnewyork posts- these are for me to reread when i am 80.

(Let's be real, I'll probably forget some major details by the end of the year. The marbles are pretty loose up here.)

My first full and official day in New York started with me looking out my hotel window and noticing rain. Oh glorious rain. So I got my face and hair ready for the day, which did not take long because I am a lazy bum. But I wore eye liner. Cause New York deserves my best face! I put on a jacket, grabbed my umbrella, and headed out to 5th Avenue to go look for a little black bag and some jewelry to wear to Marissa Webb's show later on in the day.

I had a free continental breakfast of coffee and croissants (gluten be damned! i was on vacation!) at the cute restaurant downstairs, and then I felt fueled to explore the city. As soon as I got outside, I turned on my Pandora to superloud, listened to some good ol'90s rap music, and felt like I was walking the streets of Toronto as a young, bright eyed high schooler. i did not have a care in the world. No that's a lie. I was slightly terrified that I would look insane and out of place being at a fashion show later on in the day. but I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't at this fashion show because I am in the fashion industry. I am a stay at home mom who wears clearance clothes from target. They didn't pick me cause I'm chic. They picked me because a random generator popped my name out! 

As I was walking around, I was definitely overdressed for the rainy appearance of the day. I was hoping it would be freezing cold but it was kinda humid and muggy. I was regretting my clothing choices as I was sweating along Fifth Avenue, but someone asked where my jacket was from. Old Navy. Kids section. On clearance. $6. Fashion week was starting off just right!

I got a text from Wendy asking if I got in ok and that we would go to Marissa's show together at about 2. So fantastic. I stopped at Stumptown Roasters for a delicious decaf Americano. I love me some Starbucks, but since I was on an adventure, I decided I would only drink coffee from independent coffee shops (or small chains! I guess Stumptown is not as small as I thought according to the interweb) for the duration of my time in the Big Apple.

I went into a bunch of beautiful stores, but couldn't find what I was looking for. I did run into a CVS and bought a lipstick, something I haven't done in over a decade. Jeehon usually just gives me lipstick. Where was my sister when I needed her most?!!?! Stupid Singapore! Why are you so far away!?!? My next major purchase after the lipstick was at the Lego store. They had a little $5 set of the Statue of Liberty that I knew Topher would love. Speaking of my kids- it was Thursday. The big two were at school and Chris had to go to work later in the afternoon. So Lily and Topher would be going to their wonderful Aunt Lindsay's after school and spending the night there, and Mia would be spending the night at my precious friend, Christin's. Chris worked until 2am every night that I was gone (except on Wednesday) so I had a slew of my finest friends and family watching the kids and making my trip a reality! Thank you Lindsay and Christin for taking my kids!!!

At about 11:00am, I got a text from Wendy asking if I could do lunch at noon. Absolutely. I walked around some more, still looking for final pieces to make my outfit look a little bit more awesome for the runway show that was quickly approaching. Then I got a text from wendy saying that we would go straight to Marissa's show after lunch. OK! I texted back. then at about 11:40 it dawned on me that maybe I should be dressed and ready to go by noon. I texted Wendy back to see if that was the case, and she replied in the affirmative. Aw crap. I was about ten  minutes away from the hotel, and now it was 11:50. and I was not dressed. So I ran. If you know me- I don't run. Ever. But I did not want the first time that I met Wendy to be five minutes after I was supposed to be meeting her! So I ran. And I was sweating. And a little bit peeing. Cause that's what happens when I run. Cause I've had three kids and apparently my bladder kind of sucks.

I got to my hotel room at 11:55. Stripped off all my clothes, put some more face on, put on a grey dress (a clearance find from TJ Maxx for $5!), with black leggings (from Forever 21, regular price like $4), and some black booties (also clearance from Kohls for $7), and a black blazer (my sister's from Korea, probably about $20. so my entire outfit probably cost as much as most people's belts at the fashion show), and ran down to the hotel lobby by 12:02. I may not be a fashion plate, but I wasn't going to make Wendy wait for me!  I beat her by 3 minutes. Success!

So, again, deciding what to wear to the show was the most stressful part of my trip (next to finding five people to watch my kids). I debated whether I should buy something new. And EXPENSIVE. But I had to remind myself that I didn't win this contest because people liked my style or my clothes. No one was expecting anything from me. So, I got over myself and I picked stuff I already had (and clearly did not pay much money for) that I felt would go with the Marissa Webb vibe, and that was it. There were a good number of people at the show wearing the designer's beautiful clothes. But lots of people were wearing white button down shirts (MW loves her some button down shirts!), and pretty normal looking stuff. I didn't stand out in a good way or a bad way. Relief.

I met Wendy and Nina, who works with Wendy, in the hotel lobby. We chatted and immediately became blood sisters. Like we got out a little pocket knife and exchanged blood, that's how tight our bond was. Just kidding. That's creepy. But we seriously all hit it off right away, decided we were all food sharers, jumped into an Uber (my first time ever), and grabbed lunch at La Petite Abeille. That's 'little bee' in French. I'm so glad I got a minor in French from U of T. Speaking of the University of Toronto- Nina is from Toronto. And Wendy used to work at Wells Fargo, and I bank with Wells Fargo. See? Deep, meaningful connections. But seriously, these women were the bees knees and I was so dang happy to be with them all weekend long.

here we are at La Petite Abeille. Nina, Wendy, and Me (right to left)

I'm wearing lipstick. But you can't really tell. Which begs the question- why did I even bother?!?

After we ate some delicious mussels, Brussel sprouts, a salmon burger, and fries, we headed to the Marissa Webb show. We got there 10 minutes late, which made me want to poo my pants, because I thought if they were punctual- then we missed it. But fortunately they were very fashionably late getting started. I was seated in the Friends and Family section behind Marissa's parents, and I felt like the absolute luckiest girl in the world.

The show was stunning, unreal, ethereal, beautiful, and a little bit bad ass. I didn't hardly take any pictures because I could not believe I was there!

this was before the show started.

And this is the adorable, amazing, genius herself- Marissa Webb, at the end of her show. The two figures on the bottom left of the picture are her parents, who adopted Marissa and her three siblings. Wonderful people! I google stalked them a little too hard before my trip so I was too nervous to say hi to them, even though I just wanted to hug them.

After the show, we got to go backstage and meet Marissa. Don't be dumb. Don't be weird. Don't be dumb. Don't be weird. We said Hi. We hugged. I don't remember the rest. hopefully I wasn't dumb or weird. Who knows. I did meet her brother, who did all the music for her show, which is just plain cool. I love meeting people who think family is important. Because in this world, there are plenty of people who don't. And you know I know that first hand. And it's heartbreaking.

We went back to the hotel, ate some more Brussel sprouts, and chocolate, and ice cream. Then we went to Gap, Inc. and got to see the Banana Republic team do a hair and make up run-through for their up-coming presentation on Saturday. Marissa was obviously there, and I just felt SO TIRED for her. It must have been so exhausting getting ready for a runway show, but then to turn around and get ready to display Banana's Spring and Summer collection just a few days later! Seriously, this woman is a torrent of creativity and energy! We did some spicy tequila shots, looked around and saw the oufits that the models were going to wear, and even the outfits that the servers were going to wear (they thought of everything!). The coolness of this whole experience was exhausting. And it was only day 1 of 3 of awesomeness.

placements 2 and 3

September 14th was the day that chris and I decided we were going back on The List to get a new foster babe. in case you aren't familiar with The List, and how foster babes typically show up at your house, here's a little run down of what you can expect:

-you tell your agency what you want. for us, we are just looking to foster newborn babies-3month olds.
-when their office opens, at about 9am, you start getting calls regarding kids that fit your age range. they tell you as much as they know about that kid, and you can say yes or no to that kid. and even if you say yes, it doesn't mean that child is definitely showing up at your door. when we went on the list over a year ago to get J, I said yes to about 6 babies, and none of them showed up.
-your agency sends your name to DCS (department of child safety) and then DCS tries to match up all the 'yeses' that all the different agencies came back with, to find the closest family (location wise) to where the baby was taken from. so, again, a lot of the babies that I got calls for a year ago, were in way north and west phoenix, and surrounding cities. not close to us.
-then DCS calls you back if you are the family they picked for a particular kid, and then they arrange to have that kid's case manager call you about all the other details.
-and then the kid shows up at your house and you get to take care of them until it's time for them to leave.

so, we were pretty certain that we wanted to go back on the list on the 14th. but then we had friends staying with us on Tuesday night before they were going to drive across the country to live in South Dakota. I did not feel great about the idea of having a brand new foster babe screaming through the night while I had guests staying at my house who needed a really good night's rest... and then chris had a physical fitness test on Wednesday morning, and he really needed to get a good night's rest too, so it looked like it would make the most sense for us to wait to go on the list on Wednesday morning, not Monday morning. but chris and I rarely do things that make sense.

we were officially on the list Monday morning, and we got a call at about 10:30 regarding a little two week old boy who needed a home. we were all about it! we drove to target to get some formula and size one diapers, and went and picked him up. my sweet cousin dropped off a ton of baby gear that we didn't realize we really needed - like a swing and lots of clothes. he went through five outfits in his first 24 hours with us! he was a sweet, skinny, little guy with the longest fingers and biggest feet you ever did see on a baby. this kid is Definitely going to be a pro athlete one day. or a clown. we had a fantastic time with him. he ate every two hours- even in the middle of the night, and we realized that a full night's sleep was no longer something we should ever hope to attain ever again.

and then Tuesday evening happened. we were out for dinner with our friends when I got a call from someone saying they wanted to come and see the baby. I thought it was the case manager, and I told him that we wouldn't be home for another hour or two. he said that was fine and would meet us at our house. so when we got home, this guy shows up and we get to talking. turns out there was a MASSIVE communication break down and that our little baby would be going back to his mom and dad immediately. I was very happy that this baby would be reunite with his family- cause that's why we do what we do- so kids can be with their families; but I was so surprised that we only had our second placement for about 33 hours! the kids said bye to him, and topher broke down into hysterical tears. he was so sad that this sweet baby came and stayed with us for such a short while, and he could not understand why we would never see this baby again. I guess topher is ok with being a foster family as long as we stay in touch with EVERYSINGLECHILD that walks across our threshold. sorry son, that's just not going to be able to happen.

so the baby went home and we ended up having no babies in our house Tuesday night. SO our friends, and chris, got a quiet, and full night's rest! can you believe that?!?!?!? it was exactly what I wanted, but it manifested itself in such a different way than I could have ever tried to orchestrate myself. Good one God. good one.

so we went back on The List the next day and got a call for a little days old baby. at a week old, he had already been with us for more than half of his life. it's so crazy. I am so very very happy that he is here with us. he is juicy, cute, lazy (I think he sleeps 23 hours a day), and all around perfect. the kids LOVE having him here, and are constantly wanting to hold him. everything is so great, except that it breaks my heart into a million pieces that someone could walk away from their beautiful, perfect, and precious baby. but I say that without judgment, because I do not know this baby's parents and the lives that they have lived. I am just praying for them to be able to change their ways so that they can give this baby the chance he deserves to be successful in life. and I also pray that if they aren't going to ever change their ways, then that they would be gracious enough to sever their rights soon so that this baby can go to an adoptive home that would love to lavishly love this little baby as their own. but until any of that happens, we are enjoying this baby, and being a family of 6 again.

A Look into Wendy's Playbook.

A few years ago, my sweet friend was watching the news while hanging out at home. they asked some random trivia question, to which she knew the answer- so she called in and won a WHOLE YEAR'S WORTH OF FREE ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was the coolest contest any of my friends or loved ones had ever won.

UNTIL last week.

So, as you all know, I really did totally and truly win the Wendyslookbook + Marissa Webb + Banana Republic contest. And I really did have a truly exceptionally awesomely wonderful time.

On Wednesday afternoon I flew from Phoenix to New York (ok ok. I flew into New Jersey. That does not sound as glamorous! But Banana Republic did arrange to have a very nice Black SUV pick me up and drive me to my hotel in Greenwich Village. There we go, the glamour is back.) I had 4 and a half hours to myself on an airplane. So I picked up the latest copy of InStyle and devoured it in between taking a nap, and drinking copious amounts of coke and water. Getting to the pages of who is where and leads which fashion brand read like a press release after a trade dead line. It was riveting. Peter Copping at Oscar De La Renta after years at Louis Vuitton and Nina Ricci, Julien Dossena at Paco Rabanne who came from Balenciaga, Nadege Vanhee-Cybulski at Hermes who came from the Row and Celine.

Then on the way home, I read 'The American Way', the free magazine they had in my back seat pocket. And I devoured that as well. It helped that Marshawn Lynch was on the cover, and he's my boy cause he helped me to win 2nd place in my fantasy football pool last year which made me a 12,500 cents richer at the end of the season. In the rare interview with Mr. Beast Mode himself, they described Lynch as "a model for how the game should be played: passionately, fiercely, unrelentingly." (Jan Hubbard) I saw that this week in New York watching Wendy Nguyen and Marissa Webb working their magic at fashion week!

Maybe you already know Wendy and are a part of her massive online following. She has over 400,000 Facebook friends, 700,000 Instagram followers, thousands of YouTube subscribers, and I have no idea what her numbers are on Twitter and SnapChat cause I refuse to join those communities. I have kids who need me to pay attention to them too people. Gotta limit my social media community and screen time. Anyway, if you don't know her- Wendy is in this elusive club of being a legitimately amazing fashion blogger. I follow her on Instagram as she posts pictures of herself in perfectly tailored outfits, toe numbingly high heels, fluttering her thick, gorgeous, albeit fake, lashes. But her lashes are the only thing that are fake about her.

I was SOoOoO excited to meet Wendy, but i wasn't sure what it would be like to actually hang out with her. All Weekend Long. But it was like visiting an old friend. We talked, we laughed, we ate brussel sprouts EVERY time they were on the menu, we shared food, and stories about our lives, and marveled at the points that intersected, as well as the points that were on polar opposite ends of the spectrum.

Wendy gets free clothes and shoes for making them look amazing. Which is not hard to do when you have size four feet because you are four feet and 11 3/4 inches 'tall' and you have the face of a beautifully sculpted doll. I, on the other hand, am going to start getting free formula from WIC for our foster baby. But this was not as isolating a point as one might think. Wendy has been in the foster system and she knows what it's like to live without parents whose main purpose it is to take care of their children and love them and cherish them, as most of the 18,000 kids in Arizona's Foster system can relate to. But that's not a stumbling block for her. It's not an excuse she uses to prevent her from succeeding.  It's one of the many forces that has driven her to the success that she is presently enjoying. Yes Wendy has a YouTube channel and is all over social media, but what you may not know about her is that she has a non-profit organization reaching out to girls in the system, and she wants to encourage and empower them. She also has a t-shirt line that she is trying to grow that will be both fiscally and environmentally responsible. And also adorable. Successful, gorgeous, creative, smart, and environmentally friendly?!?!? She even drives a Prius for the love! It would be so easy to hate her, but only if you didn't actually know her.

 My preconceived notions that fashion bloggers are narcissists with amazing clothes and a serious knack for taking great selfies was crushed this weekend. Watching Wendy and a few of her close fashion blogging friends brooklynblonde and 9to5chic talk about which cameras and lenses and editing programs they use, was fascinating. I had NO IDEA what they were talking about, but they spoke with such knowledge and enthusiasm, and were sharing ideas instead of hoarding information so they could all improve (community over competition!!!!! I don't know if showit.com started that hashtag, but I know the showiteers use it a lot and it's so great!).

I also got to meet Nina, who works with Wendy as her graphic designer, and photographer, and who knows what else. Nina (who also has a blog: citizensrunway) is from Toronto of all places, and we share a serious love for the same greasy Chinese food restaurants. Less than 6 degrees of separation from Rol San! I watched Nina and Wendy take pictures for their blog, and it was eye opening to see how hard they work to come up with the beautiful images that I (and probably you too) take for granted on my Instagram feed.

I feel so very privileged to have also been able to meet Marissa and shake her hand and hug her and even do spicy tequila shots with her this weekend. She went from having her Spring/Summer '16 runway show on Thursday, to having to get ready for Banana Republic's presentation (like a runway show- only the models stand in place and don't really move for an hour) for Saturday. Needless to say- she was VERY busy. but I loved watching her interact with her team at runway show, as well as at Banana Republic. This woman is a fierce leader who knows how to get things done! And done with style and swagger! I wanted to talk to her more about her having been adopted, and about her time at J Crew, and about bacon cheeseburgers, and her fiancé, and her family. but then she would have been scared by how much I already knew about her from stalking her on Google. so I tried to just smile and not look too crazy...

ALL these women that I met this weekend, much like my Marshawn, are truly passionate, fierce, and unrelenting in their fashion, and blogging businesses!

I'll write more about my trip in the next post, but I just wanted to dedicate this one to Wendy who made #jihaedoesnewyork so very much more than just a quick weekend getaway, but an experience that I will remember (and TALK ABOUT VERY OFTEN) for the rest of my life!

#jihaedoesnewyork day half

today was such a s fantastic day!

1. i went to the phyisical therapist today and they are getting me started on not having a janky back! (Cindy's word. not mine. cause im not white.) but while i was there, i got a text from Wendy!!!! it was like getting a text from a unicorn or something equally magical and almost unbelievable (you like how i said almost? i watch a lot of princess movies so i am beginning to think that they must exist.)
2. my precious hubby took me, mia, and our sweet 3 year old nephew who stayed the night last night, out for brunch. (and after i left, chris handled having 4 kids like a rockstar. he is such a stud!)
3. he dropped me off at the airport and i wasn't late or at the wrong terminal, things that normally happen to me when i travel.
4. today was no ads on pandora day! so i was able to stand in a very long security line, listening to my Jay-Z  pandora station with no interruptions!
5. i took a nap on the plane! cause i was flying BY MYSELF! i didn't have to take care of anyone! it was glorious! and then i read over 500 pages of the fall fashion issue of InStyle magazine- cause no one wanted to talk to me and no one needed any fruit snacks or to be taken to the potty.
6. i arrived in new jersey and got picked up in a pimpin black Yukon by the nicest driver ever. we chatted about his two little girls and his family back in pakistan. gotta admit i was a little afraid of being abducted but was very happy to arrive at my hotel safely AND quickly!
7. my hotel room is ADORABLE! and i got to watch Jimmy Fallon and Ellen Degeneres lip sync battle while being in the same city as them! FUN!
8. there was an envelope waiting for me when i got here and it was a lovely gift card from Banana Republic, giving me some spending money for food and travel while i'm here. do these people know how to put a contest together or what?!?!?!?!?

I LOVE YOU BANANA REPUBLIC! AND WENDYSLOOKBOOK! AND MARISSA WEBB!

praising Jesus for this ridiculously amazing time!

it's 1:30am here. so i am going to sleep now. cause there's a strong chance tomorrow is going to be EVEN MORE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

see ya laters

two weeks and three days ago, we brought J to her new permanent home. back with her brothers and sister and a kinship placement that we feel is pretty safe. we dropped off our girl with suitcases, bags, and bins of stuff and said our "see ya laters". and then we went and had Korean food. and it was all so good. and anti climactic.

some might call me stoic, others may see it as heartless- but i'm not a crier. when chris and I were dating in korea and he left me to come back to Arizona, I didn't cry at the airport. he and I said our "see ya laters" in front of a bunch of our friends and my sister, and chris caught his plane and the rest of us got back into jon sim's car and went home. and the talk of the town after that was that people thought I liked chris a lot, but after seeing my coolness in action at the airport, thought otherwise. but even though I didn't cry, my heart was absolutely, undeniably, utterly broken.

so needless to say- I didn't cry when I left our little girl, who we had loved and tolerated for over a year, with her family. I was scared for her. I have worried about her and thought about her daily. but I have not cried for her.

tonight, after not seeing her for two weeks and three days, the longest period of time that we have gone without seeing J in over a year, we got to take her out for dinner and ice cream.

it was amazing.

and strange and crazy.

and I even cried a bit.

I don't remember going on a second date with chris, but driving to pick J up today felt a lot like a second date, where you aren't entirely sure if the first date went well or not. did I make a good first impression? was there a connection there? would the other person be happy to see me or not? I had no idea what to expect. which is the truest tagline for foster parents if ever there was one.

so, we drove up to J's house. I could already hear some hustling and bustling behind the screen door. J's guardian opened the door, we hugged, said our hellos, and there was J, standing there, so shy, so pretty, and slowly she said: "mommy!"

I scooped her up in my arms even though it felt like she had punched me in the gut. I actually think I would have preferred for her to say: "hey you asshole! where have you been for the last two weeks?" so, she still thinks I am her mom, and that chris is her dad, and that we've left her at this other house, with these people she knows, but has- in her mind, never lived with before. I felt like such a negligent parent, even though I know in my right mind that I am not.

the power also went out at her house due to last night's crazy storm. J's guardian told me they haven't had electricity since 7pm yesterday. yes it's September, but it's still SO HOT here. the thought of J sleeping in this HOT house, through absolutely no fault of her guardian's, broke my heart. it made me so sad for her. everything makes me so sad for her.

things got worse at dinner. we had pizza and wings and were having a great time. as we were winding down and waiting for topher to finish his chicken wing, that he was practically making out with, J sat on chris' lap and said: "dad. go home." sucker punch number two. that wasn't a "dad, why don't you go home. get out of here" statement. it was a "dad. take me home." statement. it was heavy. and chris, being the awesome man that he is, said: "let's go have ice cream at mc donalds!"

this foster game is so strange. and I realize it's not a game. it's children's lives. but it feels like a game sometimes. a game that has no rules and lots and lots of moving parts and chutes and ladders and winners and far too many losers.

we survived our first year in the foster care system. it was a glorious, and very taxing one. my kids were absolute rock stars during the whole thing and they, like me, did not cry when we dropped little J off that day. but it's probably cause we tried to explain the rules of this game to them early on: children will come, we will love them, and there will come a time when they will go. and that's what happened with J. but since she has left, mia has asked about her everyday, and at bed time or dinner when we talk about our favorite thing and our not-favorite thing from the day, she has said that she misses J. every day. for the last 17 days. lily has told her aunt elisa that when she sees pictures of J or sees her name written somewhere (topher had a math problem with J's name in it! pretty amazing cause her name is not very common) that she gets choked up and misses J and sometimes even cries a bit. topher says he misses J on occasion. he's a true dude. he doesn't talk about his feelings much.

so, maybe none of us watsons are criers. but it doesn't mean we aren't feelers. we get all the feels. when we dropped J off at home after our night out, I was afraid she was going to cry, and cause a scene, and want to come home with us. but her family was just coming home and there was much excitement and talking, and she was back in her guardian's loving arms, and we said our "see ya laters", and got in the car and drove back home with dry, stoic eyes.