Rated R for Language. Or maybe more like Q.

i'm feeling nostalgic today my friends.

I walked through target today and they had a table of gift ideas for mothers for Mother's Day. I know I need to get on the ball and look for something nice to send to my mom so that it actually gets to her by Mother's Day. But I'm a slacker and going to the post office is a feat that I am not always prepared to accomplish. So. we'll see what happens.

My mom and I have a great relationship. It's not ideal, but it works for us. When I lived in Korea before I got married, I took some Korean language classes to appease my parents. They were pretty mad that I 1. grew up in their Korean home and my Korean sucked 2. that I lived in Korea for over 2 years and my Korean still sucked. So I signed up for these classes, and I ended up being in the 'advanced class' (see? I didn't suck that badly!) with a bunch of Chinese ladies who were married to Korean men. Admittedly- all of them had a better grasp of the Korean language than I did. Ugh. My parents were right to be mad. My Korean did really suck, And as a kid, I went to Korean language classes every Saturday morning, and often times on Monday evenings too. I am something of a resistant learner when I want to be.

Anyhoo, back to my Korean classes as an adult: I was in this class with these Chinese ladies, and they would talk about how they had trouble communicating with their husbands- because they didn't have the same native language. As if it isn't hard enough already when you are trying to communicate with your spouse in the same language! But then one of the women talked about how her kids didn't really want to learn Chinese, they just wanted to speak Korean, because it was easier for them. And then it made me so sad for this mom who couldn't even properly, fully, and freely communicate with her own children because there was a language barrier there. AND THEN I REALIZED THAT WAS MY OWN MOTHER'S PLIGHT FOR THE LAST 24 YEARS WITH ME! And it broke my heart.

When I was a kid, I didn't like eating Korean food as often as my mom cooked it (pretty much 3 times a day, every day.) And I did not want to learn Korean. Cause I didn't see any value in learning this foreign language. I am so embarrassed for the kid that I was, and so very much wish I had paid more attention during all those classes that my parents paid money for! I wish I could talk to my mom on the phone for longer periods of time, and joke around with her and explain to her in detail the things that I am going through and need her advice on. But we do the best that we can. And often times my sister needs to translate things for the both of us. Like the time when my mom thought that Chris spent $30,000 on my engagement ring... cause apparently that's what I told her. Korean is hard people!

But apparently so is English. Even though I am feeling nostalgic and even a little sad right now, I leave you with one of my favorite moments with my mom from about 15 years ago:

I was driving us to the mall one lovely Sunday afternoon. There was a lot of traffic on our way there due to an insane number of people who were trying to enjoy the great outdoors at a park near the mall.

I let out a giant: "Oh Crap!" Because I try not to swear in front of my mother.
But then my mom said as loudly as all get out: "Octopussy!"
*** What the?!?!?!
Me: "Mom! What did you just say???"
Mom: "OCTOPUSSY!"
Me: "Why would you say that?!?!?!!!"
*** now mind you- my mom is a giant James Bond fan. And in 1983, there was a movie that came out that was in fact called Octopussy. So I was frantically looking around to see if there was some giant billboard of this movie. But no. No such billboard could be found. Probably since the movie had been released over a decade earlier.
Mom: "You say CRAB, I say OCTOPUSSY!"
Me: "Mom! I said CRAP. Not crab. And I think the word you are looking for is just 'OCTOPUS.' "
Mom: "Oh. Not octopussy?"
Me: "No. Please stop saying that."

I have to admit that this post was prompted by me telling a bunch of friends at dinner tonight a story about the only time I have ever heard my dad swear in English. It involved ice, our giant van, my dad driving me to the subway station, and us sliding through an intersection and my dad letting out a giant: "Oh Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!"

Magical times. Riding in cars with old immigrants aka my parents.

Fostering Joy

It has recently come to my attention that people don't know anything about my baby, because I never talk about him. And do you know why I never talk about him? Because he's perfect and no one likes a bragger. But, here I am, about to brag about the most amazing 6 month old in the universe.

But before I start showing my baby off, I just want to tell you that I feel sorry for you. Cause you can't see my beautiful baby.

See this dog?

My boy, W, is cuter than him.

This dog is sad because he can't see a picture of W on social media, or even on this blog. It's ok sad dog. Keep eating your tasty looking bagel. I hope the rest of you have some delicious food you can drown your sorrows in.

So, we got baby W when he was 3 days old. He was a six pound peanut. And now at 6 months old- he's still a little peanut, but he has this gigantic noggin! I actually don't know how much he weighs because I am a slacker and I haven't taken him to his six month well-check yet. But I'm going tomorrow! He finally rolled from his front to his back (and it was a lot less rolling, and a lot more gravity making said giant head fall over and propelling his body over.) He coos and says 'dada', which I recognize as a sound he is making, but Chris is elated that he is W's first word. Whatever. He eats like a champ and sleeps pretty great for a little guy. Like I said before- he's perfect. 

I have this cheesy phrase that I have been uttering to God since Lily was a baby. I would say it more and more the cuter and fatter each of my babies got: "You have outdone yourself Lord!" I would say it when they awoke from their naps (only if they had a long enough nap to warrant me missing them.) I would say it when I would feed them. I would say it while I would be giving them their baths. Cause is there anything cuter than a baby in a bathtub? No. There is not. I'm not gonna lie- I never said it with J, my previous foster child. But to my discredit- I usually only say it when I'm looking at babies. There is just something so precious, and innocent, and magnificent about babies that brings out this mushy cheeseball in me, and it helps me to see how good, and pure, and wonderful God is for creating these incredible little creatures.

The only bad thing about baby W is that he is rude. He interrupts conversations that I am having ALL THE TIME. People have honestly been baring their souls and hardships to me while I would be holding W, and then he would suddenly turn and look at them with his gorgeous blue/green/brown/purple eyes (see how good I am at keeping his identity a secret! His eyes are only one of the above listed colors, but I am not going to tell you which one it is!) and the person would stop talking to me to talk to him. See? Rude.

As the kids' 3rd quarter wrapped up a few weeks ago, we went to their school to see their end of quarter work. Topher wrote a little piece entitled: "How to Take Care of Foster Kids". Yeah, he wrote a book about it. I'm looking for a publisher as we speak. Page one said: "First, you need a foster kid to come to your house." Page two was just as riveting: "Then you take care of the kid. You feed them and play with them and love them. If it is a toddler, you play with them. But toddlers are hard and foster babies are easy." True story child.

I think my lack of posting about W has caused people to think that we weren't fostering anymore. And I am not lying when I say I barely feel like I am fostering right now. To the state's credit- they are making my job very easy. He goes on his visits to see his parents twice a week and an amazing person comes and picks him up, supervises the visits, and brings him home. EVERY WEEK. I used to drive for about an hour, one way, to drive J to her visits every other week. I just didn't have any opportunities to miss her or have a real break from her before I registered her for school. But I have lots of opportunities to miss baby W, and miss him I do!

I have come to realize that I can do things that are sad, but I do not like to do things that are hard. Fostering J was really hard for me. We didn't connect the way I thought we should, and that made me feel like poop all the time. I felt like a failure. I felt so mad that she was so 'bad' (toddler bad. not actually evil-bad) when I was trying so hard to do something so good for her. And for God. I felt guilty for how happy I was when she went back home. Then I felt afraid that maybe there was something wrong with me and that I would never connect with any foster kids. And then I felt anxious about whether or not I could continue to foster if I felt like a failure the whole time.

But then baby W came along and washed all those fears and anxieties away. I now  know I can love freely and wholly, a baby that I did not grow in my womb. People say they couldn't foster because they wouldn't be able to say goodbye. It would be too hard. The opposite is true for me. I will be crushed if/when I have to say bye to this baby that I am in love with. (I even love the weird way his breath smells as he pulls my face into his with his sweet little hands! I'm a smitten kitten!) But I would rather be sad, even depressed that someone I loved dearly and well has gone away, rather than missing out on the insane joy I have been blessed to experience the last six months.

Man, I did not mean for this to be a public service announcement. But if there is anything in you that has ever thought about the remote possibility of fostering- e-mail me! Call me! Text me! I will help you to start this journey. There are over 18,000 kids in the foster care system in Arizona alone. I want to challenge you to open your heart and your home to see how God can outdo himself.

The Struggle is Still Real. Part 2.

Sorry I lied folks. I said I would whine about Topher "tomorrow" but tomorrow was yesterday and yesterday was too busy and I died of tiredness when we got home. Even though it's about the same time now as it was when I died yesterday- I am not tired now. This is due entirely to the fact that I had my VERY FIRST eggnog latte of the year and I was so beyond ecstatic while I was ordering it, that I forgot to ask them to make it a decaf. See? The struggle. Daily. Really.

Anyhow, I have been having a hard time with Topher lately. I am not entirely sure why, but it has  a lot to do with my lack of patience for him, and his insane, amazing, yet annoying obsession with ORIGAMI.

Topher's brain is on a level that my little brain will never rise to. It can't. I'm an old dog. I have got no new tricks! Topher's favorite thing to do is to watch YouTube videos on how to make different origami creations. Not just a paper frog, crane, guinea pig (though that would be impressive)- but like crazy things that move to transform from one thing to a different thing, like modular origami transforming ninja stars. Out of Post-It notes. And he watches the video one time, makes the thing, and then just keeps making more and more things.

It's fantastic and insane. We have little scraps of paper EVERYWHERE. And pieces of papers that have been folded, and refolded, and folded over again and again, all over the place. It's maddening. And then when I try to tell my precious son that he needs to put his stuff away, clean up after himself, please don't leave the scissors lying around, he cops this attitude out of nowhere and lays on this strange guilt trip- 'Fine. I'll just throw all my origami creations in the garbage. You hate them all.' What? I just told you to pick up the scissors so your sister doesn't cut her hair off. Even though it looks like his sister has already cut a lot of her hair off...

I don't have an awesome parenting moment that follows Topher's dramatic monologues. I am often at a loss for words and compassion because I have no idea why he says that crap All the Time. I guess for attention (that's the #1 go-to answer for parents, isn't it?) I know I need to try harder. And as I type that, I know that I don't need to try harder- I need to humble myself more often as a parent, and be filled with the Holy Spirit, because only with Him, am I actually, genuinely, able to be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient,  kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.

Ugh. Letting it all soak in. For me. Not for you. Surely you don't struggle with this kind of nonsense...

Anyway before I drown my sorrows in a glass of whine (haha!), I leave you with Topher's third, and most recent draft of his Christmas letter to Santa this year:

"Dear Santa for Christmas I want these 4 objects. can I have looooooooooooooooootts of jumbo packs of origami paper and normal paper (some of it colored paper). "Origami Ooh-la-la" by Jeremy Shafer; "Origami to Astonish and Amuse" also by Jeremy Shafer. Please and Thank you.
Sincerely, Topher."

If anyone actually knows Jeremey Shafer, holla. Topher wants him to come to his birthday party.