two weeks and three days ago, we brought J to her new permanent home. back with her brothers and sister and a kinship placement that we feel is pretty safe. we dropped off our girl with suitcases, bags, and bins of stuff and said our "see ya laters". and then we went and had Korean food. and it was all so good. and anti climactic.
some might call me stoic, others may see it as heartless- but i'm not a crier. when chris and I were dating in korea and he left me to come back to Arizona, I didn't cry at the airport. he and I said our "see ya laters" in front of a bunch of our friends and my sister, and chris caught his plane and the rest of us got back into jon sim's car and went home. and the talk of the town after that was that people thought I liked chris a lot, but after seeing my coolness in action at the airport, thought otherwise. but even though I didn't cry, my heart was absolutely, undeniably, utterly broken.
so needless to say- I didn't cry when I left our little girl, who we had loved and tolerated for over a year, with her family. I was scared for her. I have worried about her and thought about her daily. but I have not cried for her.
tonight, after not seeing her for two weeks and three days, the longest period of time that we have gone without seeing J in over a year, we got to take her out for dinner and ice cream.
it was amazing.
and strange and crazy.
and I even cried a bit.
I don't remember going on a second date with chris, but driving to pick J up today felt a lot like a second date, where you aren't entirely sure if the first date went well or not. did I make a good first impression? was there a connection there? would the other person be happy to see me or not? I had no idea what to expect. which is the truest tagline for foster parents if ever there was one.
so, we drove up to J's house. I could already hear some hustling and bustling behind the screen door. J's guardian opened the door, we hugged, said our hellos, and there was J, standing there, so shy, so pretty, and slowly she said: "mommy!"
I scooped her up in my arms even though it felt like she had punched me in the gut. I actually think I would have preferred for her to say: "hey you asshole! where have you been for the last two weeks?" so, she still thinks I am her mom, and that chris is her dad, and that we've left her at this other house, with these people she knows, but has- in her mind, never lived with before. I felt like such a negligent parent, even though I know in my right mind that I am not.
the power also went out at her house due to last night's crazy storm. J's guardian told me they haven't had electricity since 7pm yesterday. yes it's September, but it's still SO HOT here. the thought of J sleeping in this HOT house, through absolutely no fault of her guardian's, broke my heart. it made me so sad for her. everything makes me so sad for her.
things got worse at dinner. we had pizza and wings and were having a great time. as we were winding down and waiting for topher to finish his chicken wing, that he was practically making out with, J sat on chris' lap and said: "dad. go home." sucker punch number two. that wasn't a "dad, why don't you go home. get out of here" statement. it was a "dad. take me home." statement. it was heavy. and chris, being the awesome man that he is, said: "let's go have ice cream at mc donalds!"
this foster game is so strange. and I realize it's not a game. it's children's lives. but it feels like a game sometimes. a game that has no rules and lots and lots of moving parts and chutes and ladders and winners and far too many losers.
we survived our first year in the foster care system. it was a glorious, and very taxing one. my kids were absolute rock stars during the whole thing and they, like me, did not cry when we dropped little J off that day. but it's probably cause we tried to explain the rules of this game to them early on: children will come, we will love them, and there will come a time when they will go. and that's what happened with J. but since she has left, mia has asked about her everyday, and at bed time or dinner when we talk about our favorite thing and our not-favorite thing from the day, she has said that she misses J. every day. for the last 17 days. lily has told her aunt elisa that when she sees pictures of J or sees her name written somewhere (topher had a math problem with J's name in it! pretty amazing cause her name is not very common) that she gets choked up and misses J and sometimes even cries a bit. topher says he misses J on occasion. he's a true dude. he doesn't talk about his feelings much.
so, maybe none of us watsons are criers. but it doesn't mean we aren't feelers. we get all the feels. when we dropped J off at home after our night out, I was afraid she was going to cry, and cause a scene, and want to come home with us. but her family was just coming home and there was much excitement and talking, and she was back in her guardian's loving arms, and we said our "see ya laters", and got in the car and drove back home with dry, stoic eyes.
Showing posts with label j. Show all posts
Showing posts with label j. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Thursday, August 13, 2015
the verdict is in
I love foster care!...
there is truly never a dull moment. every story is different, and every situation is so very very unique. our cousins who have been fostering a little elementary age girl for a year and a half, have been in the midst of a transition plan for months on end, with no actual end in sight. transition plans are ideal, but certainly not mandatory.
we went to court yesterday. twice actually. well, we thought we went to the right courthouse first, but fortunately we got there really early, and found out that they changed judges, and therefore courthouses. so chris and I jumped back in the car and drove 15 minutes away to the correct courthouse. we made it with time to spare- because they started late- which is understandable when you have about five different lawyers representing this one family. our case worker from Christian Family Care Agency came as well, and it was so perfect having her there. she is the best. I love our licensing agency with all my heart. they take such phenomenally good care of us. if I haven't completely scared you off of wanting to become a foster family, you should look into being licensed with them!!!! but back to court: it started, and the more people were talking- the more it sounded like J was going to be with us until the next court date, which probably would have been in December. when I was anxious about the unknown last week, I had the burden of not knowing whether or not we would be a family of 6 or 5 by the end of the week, but to be completely transparent, I was very VERY afraid that J would be staying with us for longer.
I don't know if you have picked up what i've been putting down about her this last year- but J and I are not kindred spirits. instead of being the apple of my eye, she was more like an eyelash in my eye, under my contact lens. this has had so very much more to do with the fact that she is a toddler, and that I too am a growing, developing, selfish being, and pretty much nothing to do with the fact that she is a 'foster child'. but nonetheless, I have struggled with dealing with this toddler that I have not been able to connect, and bond with. I have been her caregiver and provider for over a year, but I do not at all feel deserving of the title 'mommy', as she has been calling me, because, you know, I think she thinks i'm her mom... the whole thing. it's insane. it's maddening. it's why I am insane. did I mention that I love foster care?...
BACK TO COURT: after all 87 of the lawyers said their piece yesterday, the judge proclaimed that J would in fact return to her other four siblings, this weekend. it was the absolute best case scenario that we could have hoped for. had the judge told us to return her home that day, it would have been a rushed and unfinished mess of unsaid good byes. instead we get to really enjoy, cherish, and bless this little girl for a few more days, and then send her back to her family that has greatly been anticipating this reunion. I cried some sincere tears of sadness, but I cried some serious tears of joy and RELIEF. a HUGE burden had been taken off of my shoulders. it's a burden that I have put on myself- the burden of feeling like I HAVE had to love this kid as if I conceived her, and held her in my womb for nine months, and birthed her and got to know her and THEN had to deal with the terrors of being two. I don't know why I put this burden on myself. but I did. daily. and the guilt, and the feeling of falling short for the last year was crippling at times. so even if it makes me sound very heartless- I am glad to see J go.
I feel like I need to defend what I just now said. but i'm going to leave it there.
for now.
this is not my last post about J, because I have a lot to say about our first foster placement experience. but I have a ton of things I need to do to get this little girl ready to leave our home.
we really REALLY appreciate all the prayers and support we have gotten, especially this last week as we waited to find out J's fate, and in turn our own. keep on praying, especially for J, as she is being thrown into the deep end of life back with her family (transition plans are for chumps!) pray for her to somehow understand in her innocent mind, that we didn't abandon her, and that we did what we were supposed to do as her foster family. pray for her family to be ready for life with a toddler (good luck suckers! just kidding!!!! no I'm not.). and pray for us as we take a month off to rejuvenate and relax and enjoy some much needed calm before the next storm...
there is truly never a dull moment. every story is different, and every situation is so very very unique. our cousins who have been fostering a little elementary age girl for a year and a half, have been in the midst of a transition plan for months on end, with no actual end in sight. transition plans are ideal, but certainly not mandatory.
we went to court yesterday. twice actually. well, we thought we went to the right courthouse first, but fortunately we got there really early, and found out that they changed judges, and therefore courthouses. so chris and I jumped back in the car and drove 15 minutes away to the correct courthouse. we made it with time to spare- because they started late- which is understandable when you have about five different lawyers representing this one family. our case worker from Christian Family Care Agency came as well, and it was so perfect having her there. she is the best. I love our licensing agency with all my heart. they take such phenomenally good care of us. if I haven't completely scared you off of wanting to become a foster family, you should look into being licensed with them!!!! but back to court: it started, and the more people were talking- the more it sounded like J was going to be with us until the next court date, which probably would have been in December. when I was anxious about the unknown last week, I had the burden of not knowing whether or not we would be a family of 6 or 5 by the end of the week, but to be completely transparent, I was very VERY afraid that J would be staying with us for longer.
I don't know if you have picked up what i've been putting down about her this last year- but J and I are not kindred spirits. instead of being the apple of my eye, she was more like an eyelash in my eye, under my contact lens. this has had so very much more to do with the fact that she is a toddler, and that I too am a growing, developing, selfish being, and pretty much nothing to do with the fact that she is a 'foster child'. but nonetheless, I have struggled with dealing with this toddler that I have not been able to connect, and bond with. I have been her caregiver and provider for over a year, but I do not at all feel deserving of the title 'mommy', as she has been calling me, because, you know, I think she thinks i'm her mom... the whole thing. it's insane. it's maddening. it's why I am insane. did I mention that I love foster care?...
BACK TO COURT: after all 87 of the lawyers said their piece yesterday, the judge proclaimed that J would in fact return to her other four siblings, this weekend. it was the absolute best case scenario that we could have hoped for. had the judge told us to return her home that day, it would have been a rushed and unfinished mess of unsaid good byes. instead we get to really enjoy, cherish, and bless this little girl for a few more days, and then send her back to her family that has greatly been anticipating this reunion. I cried some sincere tears of sadness, but I cried some serious tears of joy and RELIEF. a HUGE burden had been taken off of my shoulders. it's a burden that I have put on myself- the burden of feeling like I HAVE had to love this kid as if I conceived her, and held her in my womb for nine months, and birthed her and got to know her and THEN had to deal with the terrors of being two. I don't know why I put this burden on myself. but I did. daily. and the guilt, and the feeling of falling short for the last year was crippling at times. so even if it makes me sound very heartless- I am glad to see J go.
I feel like I need to defend what I just now said. but i'm going to leave it there.
for now.
this is not my last post about J, because I have a lot to say about our first foster placement experience. but I have a ton of things I need to do to get this little girl ready to leave our home.
we really REALLY appreciate all the prayers and support we have gotten, especially this last week as we waited to find out J's fate, and in turn our own. keep on praying, especially for J, as she is being thrown into the deep end of life back with her family (transition plans are for chumps!) pray for her to somehow understand in her innocent mind, that we didn't abandon her, and that we did what we were supposed to do as her foster family. pray for her family to be ready for life with a toddler (good luck suckers! just kidding!!!! no I'm not.). and pray for us as we take a month off to rejuvenate and relax and enjoy some much needed calm before the next storm...
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
next week
I absolutely realize that no one knows what will happen on any given day. sometimes the best things happen- like you run into an old friend you haven't seen in forever. or you find a $100 bill in your back pocket (that's never happened to me before, but I can only imagine how happy I would be if that did happen. actually, when I was in Toronto there really was a $100 bill AND a $5 in the washing machine and I almost pooped my pants with excitement. but then I bragged about finding it and my mom took it from me cause she 'claimed' it was hers. she let me keep the fiver though and I still felt like a lottery winner.) but on the flip side- terrible things can happen without any warning. I don't have to give examples of this because people are all too familiar with tragedy and pain.
but, as much as I can- I like to plan ahead. I have a big dry erase calendar in our dining room that has all the events of the month on there. I check it often, add things, occasionally erase things, and if it doesn't make it on the board- it doesn't exist. I have almost forgotten to show up somewhere for lunch more than once because it didn't make the calendar.
there is an event next week that is in bright green- which signifies all the things that have to do with J. the event is a court date. the last two court dates- one in January, the next in May- J's siblings were all returned to a kinship placement. J's siblings are all older than her, and so at present the kinship placement is just a 'guardianship'. in other words- they're still foster kids living in a foster home. so as soon as J's siblings went home in may (maybe it was april...) chris and I started mentally preparing ourselves for J to go home at the next court date- which is next week. BUT there are a bunch of things that are supposed to get done before J goes home, and I honestly have NO IDEA whether or not they've been done yet. NO IDEA. and no one has any answers for me. so, even though I am aware that we have to take it one day at a time, and we shouldn't be anxious about anything (phil 4:6), and that each day has enough troubles of it's own (matt 6:34)- I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY FAMILY WILL LOOK LIKE NEXT WEEK. it's very strange.
now mind you- we've been here before. J is our first foster babe, and she has lived with us for a year and a month. 43% of her life. before we got her- we were in this limbo of not knowing when we would get our foster baby and what they would be like and how long we would have her for. foster care is living in limbo. for foster kids, and for foster families. it's not normal. but nothing in this whole picture is. but we've generally known what to expect with J and her family situation. until the last few weeks when we were finding out things weren't really happening, but there was still a chance that they could get done. so we are operating as if J probably maybe isn't leaving, but also trying to be prepared for if she surprisingly perhaps by chance does... it's enough to cause a person to jump out of a moving vehicle. again.
but, as much as I can- I like to plan ahead. I have a big dry erase calendar in our dining room that has all the events of the month on there. I check it often, add things, occasionally erase things, and if it doesn't make it on the board- it doesn't exist. I have almost forgotten to show up somewhere for lunch more than once because it didn't make the calendar.
there is an event next week that is in bright green- which signifies all the things that have to do with J. the event is a court date. the last two court dates- one in January, the next in May- J's siblings were all returned to a kinship placement. J's siblings are all older than her, and so at present the kinship placement is just a 'guardianship'. in other words- they're still foster kids living in a foster home. so as soon as J's siblings went home in may (maybe it was april...) chris and I started mentally preparing ourselves for J to go home at the next court date- which is next week. BUT there are a bunch of things that are supposed to get done before J goes home, and I honestly have NO IDEA whether or not they've been done yet. NO IDEA. and no one has any answers for me. so, even though I am aware that we have to take it one day at a time, and we shouldn't be anxious about anything (phil 4:6), and that each day has enough troubles of it's own (matt 6:34)- I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY FAMILY WILL LOOK LIKE NEXT WEEK. it's very strange.
now mind you- we've been here before. J is our first foster babe, and she has lived with us for a year and a month. 43% of her life. before we got her- we were in this limbo of not knowing when we would get our foster baby and what they would be like and how long we would have her for. foster care is living in limbo. for foster kids, and for foster families. it's not normal. but nothing in this whole picture is. but we've generally known what to expect with J and her family situation. until the last few weeks when we were finding out things weren't really happening, but there was still a chance that they could get done. so we are operating as if J probably maybe isn't leaving, but also trying to be prepared for if she surprisingly perhaps by chance does... it's enough to cause a person to jump out of a moving vehicle. again.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Shasho On A Fesh
a few weeks ago we were driving home from our friend's house. J is two years old, and she LOVES to repeat herself. I don't know if she thinks we can't hear her, or if she just loves the sound of her voice, but she repeats herself to the extent that I often want to eject myself out of a moving vehicle.
J: "mom! mia has shasho on a fesh"
Me: "i'm sorry, what did you say?"
J: "mommy! mia shasho on a fesh!"
Me: "i don't know what you are saying sweetheart."
J: "mom!! mia has SHASHO ona fesh!"
Me: "OH! Mia has chocolate on her face. yes, I see that now. that's fine."
J: "mom! mom! Mia shasho on a fesh."
Me: "i know. thank you."
No Joke- she tells me about five more times. shasho on a fesh. shasho on a fesh. shasho on a fesh. shasho on a fesh. SHASHO ON A FESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: "Ok J. Please stop telling me that Mia has chocolate on her face. I know that she does. and its not a big deal. but if you tell me that she has shasho on a fesh one more time I am going to lose my mind. do you understand?"
J: "mom?"
Me: "yes J?"
J: "mia shasho on a fesh."
Mia: "mom! did you just lose your mind?"
Me: unbuckling my seatbelt and preparing to jump out into oncoming traffic. cause yes, I have in fact lost my mind.
J: "mom! mia has shasho on a fesh"
Me: "i'm sorry, what did you say?"
J: "mommy! mia shasho on a fesh!"
Me: "i don't know what you are saying sweetheart."
J: "mom!! mia has SHASHO ona fesh!"
Me: "OH! Mia has chocolate on her face. yes, I see that now. that's fine."
J: "mom! mom! Mia shasho on a fesh."
Me: "i know. thank you."
No Joke- she tells me about five more times. shasho on a fesh. shasho on a fesh. shasho on a fesh. shasho on a fesh. SHASHO ON A FESH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: "Ok J. Please stop telling me that Mia has chocolate on her face. I know that she does. and its not a big deal. but if you tell me that she has shasho on a fesh one more time I am going to lose my mind. do you understand?"
J: "mom?"
Me: "yes J?"
J: "mia shasho on a fesh."
Mia: "mom! did you just lose your mind?"
Me: unbuckling my seatbelt and preparing to jump out into oncoming traffic. cause yes, I have in fact lost my mind.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
life lately
an update on life at our house:
-lily:
just successfully graduated from the second grade! even though she spells "succeed": "sexseed". i cannot believe she will be in the third grade in July! (sorry canadian friends: the kids got out of school on Thursday this week, and they will go back at the end of july. weird. I know.) I think she is going through a growth spurt because she has randomly fallen asleep and napped in the middle of the day twice this week!!! I need a growth spurt too... these kids are getting big fast.
lily is also more aware of fashion and concerned with what she wears. she will ask me to help her pick out an outfit, and when I show her two choices, she shoots them both down. needless to say- it is not my favorite thing to do with her. but when chris is putting the big kids down (90% of the time he is putting J down! superstar) lily will pull out two outfits and ask chris which one he likes, and he picks one- and she wears it. chris LOVES helping lily pick out her outfits! he is hoping that she consults him until she is 21.
-topher:
at the tender age of 7 years and 2 months, topher FINALLY lost his first tooth. he was ecstatic and terrified. he wrote the funniest letter to the tooth fairy:
"Dear: Tooth fairy
Today my tooth came out. it really hurted. it was pulled out by my Dad. my Dad is very strong. so it hurted more than if you hit your thumb nail with a hammer. Love, Topher."
this kid loves similes! and I love him.
topher's first grade class also had a talent show on their second to last day of school (aka, come to school to kill time.) topher's talent that he chose to share with his class was to tell jokes. he did SO GREAT!!!! chris and I were both able to go watch him because it was at 8:30am. this is my favorite joke from his set:
Q: what does a nosey pepper do?
A: it gets JALAPENO business!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the kids asked him where he got all of his jokes and he said: "my mom's phone."
true story.
-mia:
when I cut apple slices for mia, I hand them to her even though I know she doesn't like the seeds in them. I do this because as soon as I hand her a slice, she looks at it and then hands it back and says: "can you cut out the nuts?"
also, chris and I are officially those annoying people who aren't completely allergic to gluten, but have reactions to eating it (my psoriasis flares up, chris' insides get whacky). so we try to really watch our consumption of it. lily and topher have had classmates with gluten allergies this year, and so they have been SO considerate and always make me go to Trader Joe's to get a gluten free snack for their friends when they are bringing in glutinous treats for the rest of their class. they also often ask if their dad is allowed to eat something (it's almost always a donut) and ask whether it has gluten in it or not (yes. it still has gluten in it. that's why it's so delicious.)
the other day, mia looked at chris while he was drinking water: "dad! are you allowed to drink that? does it have gluten in it?" one day I will re-explain to all the kids what gluten is.
-j:
she was just starting to get back to sleeping through the night, and I was no longer sleeping on the floor in her room, and then she got the flu. so we stopped sleeping through the night again. but the last two nights have been AMAZING and I am hoping that she is really getting back on track again! her new things that she likes to do is hold hands while she falls asleep next to you on the recliner in her room; and she likes to pretend she is unamused when I am smiling freakishly at her by rolling her eyes and avoiding eye contact, all with a silly little grin on her face.
she is also slowly potty training, and can count to ten. she has also memorized most of "Good Night Moon" because we read that almost every night. when she isn't crying and whining, she is pretty awesome. I unfortunately have to remind myself of that pretty often.
-lily:
just successfully graduated from the second grade! even though she spells "succeed": "sexseed". i cannot believe she will be in the third grade in July! (sorry canadian friends: the kids got out of school on Thursday this week, and they will go back at the end of july. weird. I know.) I think she is going through a growth spurt because she has randomly fallen asleep and napped in the middle of the day twice this week!!! I need a growth spurt too... these kids are getting big fast.
lily is also more aware of fashion and concerned with what she wears. she will ask me to help her pick out an outfit, and when I show her two choices, she shoots them both down. needless to say- it is not my favorite thing to do with her. but when chris is putting the big kids down (90% of the time he is putting J down! superstar) lily will pull out two outfits and ask chris which one he likes, and he picks one- and she wears it. chris LOVES helping lily pick out her outfits! he is hoping that she consults him until she is 21.
-topher:
at the tender age of 7 years and 2 months, topher FINALLY lost his first tooth. he was ecstatic and terrified. he wrote the funniest letter to the tooth fairy:
"Dear: Tooth fairy
Today my tooth came out. it really hurted. it was pulled out by my Dad. my Dad is very strong. so it hurted more than if you hit your thumb nail with a hammer. Love, Topher."
this kid loves similes! and I love him.
topher's first grade class also had a talent show on their second to last day of school (aka, come to school to kill time.) topher's talent that he chose to share with his class was to tell jokes. he did SO GREAT!!!! chris and I were both able to go watch him because it was at 8:30am. this is my favorite joke from his set:
Q: what does a nosey pepper do?
A: it gets JALAPENO business!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the kids asked him where he got all of his jokes and he said: "my mom's phone."
true story.
-mia:
when I cut apple slices for mia, I hand them to her even though I know she doesn't like the seeds in them. I do this because as soon as I hand her a slice, she looks at it and then hands it back and says: "can you cut out the nuts?"
also, chris and I are officially those annoying people who aren't completely allergic to gluten, but have reactions to eating it (my psoriasis flares up, chris' insides get whacky). so we try to really watch our consumption of it. lily and topher have had classmates with gluten allergies this year, and so they have been SO considerate and always make me go to Trader Joe's to get a gluten free snack for their friends when they are bringing in glutinous treats for the rest of their class. they also often ask if their dad is allowed to eat something (it's almost always a donut) and ask whether it has gluten in it or not (yes. it still has gluten in it. that's why it's so delicious.)
the other day, mia looked at chris while he was drinking water: "dad! are you allowed to drink that? does it have gluten in it?" one day I will re-explain to all the kids what gluten is.
-j:
she was just starting to get back to sleeping through the night, and I was no longer sleeping on the floor in her room, and then she got the flu. so we stopped sleeping through the night again. but the last two nights have been AMAZING and I am hoping that she is really getting back on track again! her new things that she likes to do is hold hands while she falls asleep next to you on the recliner in her room; and she likes to pretend she is unamused when I am smiling freakishly at her by rolling her eyes and avoiding eye contact, all with a silly little grin on her face.
she is also slowly potty training, and can count to ten. she has also memorized most of "Good Night Moon" because we read that almost every night. when she isn't crying and whining, she is pretty awesome. I unfortunately have to remind myself of that pretty often.
Monday, November 3, 2014
100 %
our church has a support group for foster and adoptive families. i actually love this group. everyone in it is so super duper amazing. what happens in group stays in group, but i think i am kinda allowed to talk about these people without naming names or being too specific... maybe? i'm just gonna.
there's one family there that had FOUR little girls living with them for about a year. i believe they were 5 and under. then there's this other family that has three biological high schoolers, and then they adopted twin 20 month olds and have a tiny little baby living with them too. then there's this other family that has three foster kids aged 3 and under. then there's this single mom who has one adopted almost-teenager and a school-age foster child. a single mom. the single women that i have met that feel called to be foster parents just make me want to bow down at their feet and yell 'i am not worthy!' these families are amazing.
and they make me feel awful.
they don't MAKE me feel awful. i make myself feel awful. why? WHY????!!?!
when i was first married to my beautiful Chris almost a decade ago, i didn't have a job, i was working on my Masters, and learning how to be an awesome wife, and also learning how to cook. cause i didn't know how to cook. and even though i was home All the Time- i was a TERRIBLE cleaner. our house was not very clean- i am a maker of piles, and a mover of piles. i do not know how to not make piles. i hear some people throw things out. i try that, and yet the piles remain. i also happened to not finish my studies to get my Masters. sometimes i think about that year of my life and i wonder what the heck that was all really about...
then i quickly became a mama, and even more quickly i became a mama of two. having just Lily was actually not that hard. she was such a phenomenal baby, and everyone wanted to babysit her! it was awesome! and then Topher came and that was an ass-kicker. everyone else was starting to have kids and i had to start paying for babysitters to watch my two ridiculously young babes, When people would watch them, or I could just get out without them- i felt like i was high as a kite! but Chris and i didn't date regularly for a year or two, nor did i grow much in my homemaking skills- i was just trying to keep these little kids alive!
then came Mia. i was terrified of the thought of three kids, and i didn't think i was ever going to be able to leave my house, or clean it, or shower, or anything, but who knew- i was kind of an awesome mom of three! it helped that Lily and Topher were starting school, and Mia was also a phenomenal baby; and Chris and i decided we needed to date more regularly again. and somehow i found the time and energy to clean (lysol wipes!!!!), and still make lots of piles.
and then we added another kid. and there are so many moments when i don't feel like an awesome mom, of anyone. but i feed these kids, and get them dressed, and send two of them to school- on time!, and i have a cleaner (tho maybe not neater- and part of that is the toddlers' fault!) house than ever before, and Chris and i date more now than EVER before. what the heck!?!?!?! who would have thought that having four kids would not kill me, but is actually making me awesomer? i am awesome! and so are YOU! go look in the mirror. say that to yourself. You are awesome.
i don't judge others who have less kids than me. i don't think i am more awesome than them. everybody is called to something, and it is important for each person to fulfill that calling- with the support of LOTS of other people. when i was just a mama to Lily, i gave that 100%. and it was exhausting. as motherhood is. i gave being a mom of two 100%, a mom of three 100%, and the same is true being a mom of four. and i am tired, and i relish time by myself, or away from the kids, but i am getting those breaks much to my surprise and delight. and it makes giving 100% when i am with my kids a heck of a whole lot easier. my friends all give being moms, or working moms, or single moms, or a single Christian woman, or a wife, or whatever their lot in life is- 100% and i feel inspired and encouraged and rejuvenated when i hang out with each and every single one of them. i don't judge you for being a working mom, or a homeschooling mom, or a mom who has seven foster kids, and two adopted kids and you dig wells in africa on your summer breaks. so if i don't judge others that means i also can't compare myself. to anyone. and you can't compare yourself to me. nor should you (but as a bonus-i guarantee your house is neater than mine tho ;). i can only be the woman that God has called me to be, and that's all you can be too. and that is pretty fantastic.
there's one family there that had FOUR little girls living with them for about a year. i believe they were 5 and under. then there's this other family that has three biological high schoolers, and then they adopted twin 20 month olds and have a tiny little baby living with them too. then there's this other family that has three foster kids aged 3 and under. then there's this single mom who has one adopted almost-teenager and a school-age foster child. a single mom. the single women that i have met that feel called to be foster parents just make me want to bow down at their feet and yell 'i am not worthy!' these families are amazing.
and they make me feel awful.
they don't MAKE me feel awful. i make myself feel awful. why? WHY????!!?!
when i was first married to my beautiful Chris almost a decade ago, i didn't have a job, i was working on my Masters, and learning how to be an awesome wife, and also learning how to cook. cause i didn't know how to cook. and even though i was home All the Time- i was a TERRIBLE cleaner. our house was not very clean- i am a maker of piles, and a mover of piles. i do not know how to not make piles. i hear some people throw things out. i try that, and yet the piles remain. i also happened to not finish my studies to get my Masters. sometimes i think about that year of my life and i wonder what the heck that was all really about...
then i quickly became a mama, and even more quickly i became a mama of two. having just Lily was actually not that hard. she was such a phenomenal baby, and everyone wanted to babysit her! it was awesome! and then Topher came and that was an ass-kicker. everyone else was starting to have kids and i had to start paying for babysitters to watch my two ridiculously young babes, When people would watch them, or I could just get out without them- i felt like i was high as a kite! but Chris and i didn't date regularly for a year or two, nor did i grow much in my homemaking skills- i was just trying to keep these little kids alive!
then came Mia. i was terrified of the thought of three kids, and i didn't think i was ever going to be able to leave my house, or clean it, or shower, or anything, but who knew- i was kind of an awesome mom of three! it helped that Lily and Topher were starting school, and Mia was also a phenomenal baby; and Chris and i decided we needed to date more regularly again. and somehow i found the time and energy to clean (lysol wipes!!!!), and still make lots of piles.
and then we added another kid. and there are so many moments when i don't feel like an awesome mom, of anyone. but i feed these kids, and get them dressed, and send two of them to school- on time!, and i have a cleaner (tho maybe not neater- and part of that is the toddlers' fault!) house than ever before, and Chris and i date more now than EVER before. what the heck!?!?!?! who would have thought that having four kids would not kill me, but is actually making me awesomer? i am awesome! and so are YOU! go look in the mirror. say that to yourself. You are awesome.
i don't judge others who have less kids than me. i don't think i am more awesome than them. everybody is called to something, and it is important for each person to fulfill that calling- with the support of LOTS of other people. when i was just a mama to Lily, i gave that 100%. and it was exhausting. as motherhood is. i gave being a mom of two 100%, a mom of three 100%, and the same is true being a mom of four. and i am tired, and i relish time by myself, or away from the kids, but i am getting those breaks much to my surprise and delight. and it makes giving 100% when i am with my kids a heck of a whole lot easier. my friends all give being moms, or working moms, or single moms, or a single Christian woman, or a wife, or whatever their lot in life is- 100% and i feel inspired and encouraged and rejuvenated when i hang out with each and every single one of them. i don't judge you for being a working mom, or a homeschooling mom, or a mom who has seven foster kids, and two adopted kids and you dig wells in africa on your summer breaks. so if i don't judge others that means i also can't compare myself. to anyone. and you can't compare yourself to me. nor should you (but as a bonus-i guarantee your house is neater than mine tho ;). i can only be the woman that God has called me to be, and that's all you can be too. and that is pretty fantastic.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Toddler life
did you know that i do not like toddlers?
i'm a baby person. i love babies. i love the weird way they look. i tolerate the weird way they smell. i love the way they do NOTHING and can do NOTHING for themselves. i love that! i don't mind doing everything for them. changing their disgusting diapers. feeding them. burping them. wiping up their spit up. putting them to bed a million times a day. i love it all. unless they are cry babies. then that's a deal breaker.
toddlers think they are the opposite of babies, and that's why i don't like them. they usually look better as toddlers than they did as babies, and they usually smell less foul than their younger counterparts, but they think they can do EVERYTHING. by themselves. with no help. but in fact, they can still do NOTHING (right) and they cry about EVERYTHING, which i mentioned was a deal breaker for me.
but here is the absolute, positively worst thing about toddlers- they bring out the ugliest part of me. the. ugliest.
a good friend of mine told me long time ago that the most successful relationships were ones where each member brought out the best in each other.
case in point- chris and i. we honestly have an incredible relationship that i praise Jesus for daily. sure we disagree on stuff and occasionally annoy each other, but seriously, our relationship is so great. sometimes i feel like the world's best wife- selfless, serving, all that good stuff. but the more i inspect my soul these days, i find very little that is good, pure, and Christ-like in there. my love is not unconditional. it is heavily laden with conditions, rules, and stipulations.
chris works so dang hard, he loves his job, and he is really really good at it. but he loves his family more than anything in this world- more than money, more than football- and that's saying A LOT. chris also happens to adore me, and i know this despite the fact he is not a big words-of-affirmation kind of guy. i feel so secure in our relationship, and he really pushes me to be the best mom, wife, daughter, friend, aunt, foster mom, that i can be. i am a good wife cause he is the best husband!
then you have my kids. namely the toddlers. oh for the love. where do i begin... they make me feel... so inadequate. for example- i have been a mom for over seven years now. sure Lily and Topher occasionally throw me for a loop, but for the most part i know how to deal with them. Mia still has moments that make me question the kind of mom that i am and that i thought i was. i know every child is unique and you can't even parent your children- who are genetically identical, identically. i know this from having had Lily and Topher so close together, and i know this cause Mia is so different from Lily, and Topher, and LilyandTopher. she has suddenly become a not very good sleeper, and is becoming a pickier eater with every passing day. i have moments when i just want to quit, and then Mia says something so sincere, so simple, like: "mom, thanks for making me breakfast" or "mom, thank you for buying me that striped shirt that one time" and then i smother her with kisses and cuddles and chocolates. she's cute, and that's why she's still alive.
and then there's little miss J. we hit the foster kid jackpot with this one- and i am not saying this with a hint of sarcasm. she doesn't have any signs of neglect or abuse, though she has moments when i think it would be appropriate to get 'thug life' tattooed on her neck, but even those moments are so rare now that's she's been here for over three months. the only thing that seems to be 'wrong' with her, is her age. between still getting teeth, and learning to communicate, we've had a couple of rough days and weeks. and by rough, i mostly just mean annoying. this girl can throw a tantrum with the best of them, and whining is a very special talent she has as well. sometimes she just screams in my face and i want to scream back at her: "YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" like i said- these kids aren't bringing out the best in me. they are bringing out the toddler in me.
but the scary thing to think about is- if they don't bring out the best in me- what if i am not bringing out the best in these kids??!?!??
that's the stuff nightmares are made of folks.
there's a verse that gets to me, and gives me much hope. it's from lamentations 3:22-23, and it goes a little something like this:
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
i'm a baby person. i love babies. i love the weird way they look. i tolerate the weird way they smell. i love the way they do NOTHING and can do NOTHING for themselves. i love that! i don't mind doing everything for them. changing their disgusting diapers. feeding them. burping them. wiping up their spit up. putting them to bed a million times a day. i love it all. unless they are cry babies. then that's a deal breaker.
toddlers think they are the opposite of babies, and that's why i don't like them. they usually look better as toddlers than they did as babies, and they usually smell less foul than their younger counterparts, but they think they can do EVERYTHING. by themselves. with no help. but in fact, they can still do NOTHING (right) and they cry about EVERYTHING, which i mentioned was a deal breaker for me.
but here is the absolute, positively worst thing about toddlers- they bring out the ugliest part of me. the. ugliest.
a good friend of mine told me long time ago that the most successful relationships were ones where each member brought out the best in each other.
case in point- chris and i. we honestly have an incredible relationship that i praise Jesus for daily. sure we disagree on stuff and occasionally annoy each other, but seriously, our relationship is so great. sometimes i feel like the world's best wife- selfless, serving, all that good stuff. but the more i inspect my soul these days, i find very little that is good, pure, and Christ-like in there. my love is not unconditional. it is heavily laden with conditions, rules, and stipulations.
chris works so dang hard, he loves his job, and he is really really good at it. but he loves his family more than anything in this world- more than money, more than football- and that's saying A LOT. chris also happens to adore me, and i know this despite the fact he is not a big words-of-affirmation kind of guy. i feel so secure in our relationship, and he really pushes me to be the best mom, wife, daughter, friend, aunt, foster mom, that i can be. i am a good wife cause he is the best husband!
then you have my kids. namely the toddlers. oh for the love. where do i begin... they make me feel... so inadequate. for example- i have been a mom for over seven years now. sure Lily and Topher occasionally throw me for a loop, but for the most part i know how to deal with them. Mia still has moments that make me question the kind of mom that i am and that i thought i was. i know every child is unique and you can't even parent your children- who are genetically identical, identically. i know this from having had Lily and Topher so close together, and i know this cause Mia is so different from Lily, and Topher, and LilyandTopher. she has suddenly become a not very good sleeper, and is becoming a pickier eater with every passing day. i have moments when i just want to quit, and then Mia says something so sincere, so simple, like: "mom, thanks for making me breakfast" or "mom, thank you for buying me that striped shirt that one time" and then i smother her with kisses and cuddles and chocolates. she's cute, and that's why she's still alive.
and then there's little miss J. we hit the foster kid jackpot with this one- and i am not saying this with a hint of sarcasm. she doesn't have any signs of neglect or abuse, though she has moments when i think it would be appropriate to get 'thug life' tattooed on her neck, but even those moments are so rare now that's she's been here for over three months. the only thing that seems to be 'wrong' with her, is her age. between still getting teeth, and learning to communicate, we've had a couple of rough days and weeks. and by rough, i mostly just mean annoying. this girl can throw a tantrum with the best of them, and whining is a very special talent she has as well. sometimes she just screams in my face and i want to scream back at her: "YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" like i said- these kids aren't bringing out the best in me. they are bringing out the toddler in me.
but the scary thing to think about is- if they don't bring out the best in me- what if i am not bringing out the best in these kids??!?!??
that's the stuff nightmares are made of folks.
there's a verse that gets to me, and gives me much hope. it's from lamentations 3:22-23, and it goes a little something like this:
"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
something that kids do, that i as an adult-who-acts-like-a-child does not do, is that they forgive and forget very easily. i can yell and carry on like a complete lunatic (aka toddler), and the kids can scream back and cry and all that, and all seems lost, and then someone farts and there is much laughter. no laughter from me, but from the kids. even if i think it's funny too, i don't let myself laugh. cause i'm mad. i feel disrespected, or unappreciated, or both. and i want to hold a grudge. but these kids are so unintelligent- they don't even know how to hold a grudge for pete's sake.
so, i'm trying not to teach my kids to be like me. i'm trying to teach them to be like Jesus, but the more i hang out with them, the more i realize they have a steadfast and unconditional love much akin to my Savior, and in that respect, maybe i should let my inner toddler out more.
so, i'm trying not to teach my kids to be like me. i'm trying to teach them to be like Jesus, but the more i hang out with them, the more i realize they have a steadfast and unconditional love much akin to my Savior, and in that respect, maybe i should let my inner toddler out more.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
welcome to crazy town.
I haven't written in two months. no wait. more (i started this post a long time ago...) I didn't die. I didn't change residences. Lots has happened, and I have taken lots of great pictures, but my computer REALLY sucks, and I cannot upload pictures to my blog anymore. but that's ok, cause I am now in this strange place in my life where I can't take a ton of pictures and share them. have we re-entered the witness protection program? no. we have embarked on this very strange and wonderful and painful journey, and I want to invite you on this journey with us. but again- there will be no pictures. just lots of words. lots and lots of words. and some feelings. and probably a good amount of whining.
but before I tell you where we are going together, let me tell you how we got here:
a few years ago during the holidays I read a ton of annoying articles about these annoying families that wouldn't celebrate thanksgiving in the traditional way of gorging themselves and then going black Friday shopping (one of my favorite holidays!) instead, these crazy families would wake up at the buttcrack of dawn and make like a million sandwiches and vats of hot chocolate and then distribute them to the homeless and downtrodden of their city. and I read an absurd number of heart-breaking/warming articles about kids who had battled (and beat!) cancer and other life-threatening diseases and so they spent the bulk of their holidays in hospitals blessing other kids and families. but what was i to do? our family is healthy and i had too many little kids to be considering feeding AND fellowshiping with the homeless. so i prayed for God to give our family a mission. not for us to go to africa, but to make a difference in our community, and something that would help my kids to see how privileged and downright LUCKY they are, as well as to have an opportunity to serve alongside Chris and i.
fast forward a bunch of months. maybe even a year. no wait. i think it was about a year exactly cause i started reading those articles before thanksgiving and we had this epiphany right before thanksgiving... anyway, we decided to grow our family. i did not want to have another baby for the longest time, but Mia was already one (i guess for normal folks, contemplating having another baby when your baby turns 1 is not a LONG time, but remember i got pregnant with Topher when Lily was FOUR MONTHS OLD!!!) and she was such a FANTASTICAL little chubby baby. i felt prepared to try to recreate some of that magic! but God's sense of humor took over, and instead of preparing us to have one of our own babies, He was preparing us to have one of His babies. no, not like that. as in a ward of the state, aka a foster kid.
oh man, you should have seen me try to back pedal out of this corner!:
"what Lord? i don't want any more kids. yes Lord, i love you and would do anything for you. but not that. and still don't send me to africa. i did ask for a mission for my whole family to be involved in, but 'how bout we revisit that serving sandwiches on thanksgiving option again? i'll even do it twice a year!!! Lord? Lord????''
Chris felt CALLED. he was the driving force behind this train(wreck). we went to a 1 hour orientation, which lead to a 6 hour saturday all-day orientation type thing, which lead to us picking an agency (Christian Family Care Agency- and we ADORE them), which lead to 10 3-hour long thursday evening classes, which lead to more mandatory (and necessary) hoop-jumping, which led us to get licensed in June. whew.
the 10 week classes were actually pretty enjoyable because we had the two best instructors in the universe. they both work for our agency and one is an adoption specialist who has a foster-turned adopted grandson, and the other was the sweetest lady who had fostered for about 15 years and had over 30 kids live in her home over that period of time. their wealth of knowledge and experience was incredible. one thing that the adoption specialist said that stuck with me was this: "some of you are called to just foster. some of you are called to just adopt. some of you are called to foster and then adopt. and some of you are called to none of the above." (admittedly i hoped i was in the last category! fingers crossed...) but then he continued: "but you are all here, and i want you to make it through the whole ten weeks and see what God is calling you to do, and even if it isn't to do any of the three situations, EVERYONE has a role in the foster syster." oh man. by the end of the 10 weeks i, along with Chris, felt an overwhelming burden to become foster parents.
the reason i am blogging about this is cause we need your help. we need you to pray for us. often. and twice on sundays.
tomorrow is our three month anniversary of non-stop having a ward of the state living with us. we started off providing respite for another foster family by watching their little 2 year old boy for 5 days, which actually over-lapped with our watching our cousins' 6 year old foster daughter for 8 days by 2 days, and then we got our little girl, J, who is now 20 months old; we got her on a monday, and our cousins' foster daughter left the following day, so there were three days altogether when we had two foster kids living in our house! it was amazing madness! there are lots of moments of GREATNESS and wonder and unspeakable joy. chris and i feel such peace knowing we are right in the middle of where God wants us to be right now. BUT there are also LOTS of moments of tears and sadness and madness and loneliness and insanity. we are blessed, but man, we are also tired.
so, dear friend, when you think about it, please pray for us. we have a pretty phenomenal group of people who have helped us out SO VERY VERY VERY much over the last three months (no wait, longer than that.) but if God puts it on your heart to join our group- let me know! you want to watch the kids? great! you want to bring me a coffee? do it! you want to tell me that you prayed for me once and plan on doing it again- bring it on! there's room for you here at crazy town :)
but before I tell you where we are going together, let me tell you how we got here:
a few years ago during the holidays I read a ton of annoying articles about these annoying families that wouldn't celebrate thanksgiving in the traditional way of gorging themselves and then going black Friday shopping (one of my favorite holidays!) instead, these crazy families would wake up at the buttcrack of dawn and make like a million sandwiches and vats of hot chocolate and then distribute them to the homeless and downtrodden of their city. and I read an absurd number of heart-breaking/warming articles about kids who had battled (and beat!) cancer and other life-threatening diseases and so they spent the bulk of their holidays in hospitals blessing other kids and families. but what was i to do? our family is healthy and i had too many little kids to be considering feeding AND fellowshiping with the homeless. so i prayed for God to give our family a mission. not for us to go to africa, but to make a difference in our community, and something that would help my kids to see how privileged and downright LUCKY they are, as well as to have an opportunity to serve alongside Chris and i.
fast forward a bunch of months. maybe even a year. no wait. i think it was about a year exactly cause i started reading those articles before thanksgiving and we had this epiphany right before thanksgiving... anyway, we decided to grow our family. i did not want to have another baby for the longest time, but Mia was already one (i guess for normal folks, contemplating having another baby when your baby turns 1 is not a LONG time, but remember i got pregnant with Topher when Lily was FOUR MONTHS OLD!!!) and she was such a FANTASTICAL little chubby baby. i felt prepared to try to recreate some of that magic! but God's sense of humor took over, and instead of preparing us to have one of our own babies, He was preparing us to have one of His babies. no, not like that. as in a ward of the state, aka a foster kid.
oh man, you should have seen me try to back pedal out of this corner!:
"what Lord? i don't want any more kids. yes Lord, i love you and would do anything for you. but not that. and still don't send me to africa. i did ask for a mission for my whole family to be involved in, but 'how bout we revisit that serving sandwiches on thanksgiving option again? i'll even do it twice a year!!! Lord? Lord????''
Chris felt CALLED. he was the driving force behind this train(wreck). we went to a 1 hour orientation, which lead to a 6 hour saturday all-day orientation type thing, which lead to us picking an agency (Christian Family Care Agency- and we ADORE them), which lead to 10 3-hour long thursday evening classes, which lead to more mandatory (and necessary) hoop-jumping, which led us to get licensed in June. whew.
the 10 week classes were actually pretty enjoyable because we had the two best instructors in the universe. they both work for our agency and one is an adoption specialist who has a foster-turned adopted grandson, and the other was the sweetest lady who had fostered for about 15 years and had over 30 kids live in her home over that period of time. their wealth of knowledge and experience was incredible. one thing that the adoption specialist said that stuck with me was this: "some of you are called to just foster. some of you are called to just adopt. some of you are called to foster and then adopt. and some of you are called to none of the above." (admittedly i hoped i was in the last category! fingers crossed...) but then he continued: "but you are all here, and i want you to make it through the whole ten weeks and see what God is calling you to do, and even if it isn't to do any of the three situations, EVERYONE has a role in the foster syster." oh man. by the end of the 10 weeks i, along with Chris, felt an overwhelming burden to become foster parents.
the reason i am blogging about this is cause we need your help. we need you to pray for us. often. and twice on sundays.
tomorrow is our three month anniversary of non-stop having a ward of the state living with us. we started off providing respite for another foster family by watching their little 2 year old boy for 5 days, which actually over-lapped with our watching our cousins' 6 year old foster daughter for 8 days by 2 days, and then we got our little girl, J, who is now 20 months old; we got her on a monday, and our cousins' foster daughter left the following day, so there were three days altogether when we had two foster kids living in our house! it was amazing madness! there are lots of moments of GREATNESS and wonder and unspeakable joy. chris and i feel such peace knowing we are right in the middle of where God wants us to be right now. BUT there are also LOTS of moments of tears and sadness and madness and loneliness and insanity. we are blessed, but man, we are also tired.
so, dear friend, when you think about it, please pray for us. we have a pretty phenomenal group of people who have helped us out SO VERY VERY VERY much over the last three months (no wait, longer than that.) but if God puts it on your heart to join our group- let me know! you want to watch the kids? great! you want to bring me a coffee? do it! you want to tell me that you prayed for me once and plan on doing it again- bring it on! there's room for you here at crazy town :)
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