chlorox wipes for me. baby wipes just won't cut it...

i don't like to blog when the kids are awake. but i just need to vent real quick and then i will go back to being a wonderful, patient, beautiful, attentive mother...

topher woke up at 2am. then went back down. and then woke up again at about 5am. for good. (i miss his crib!!!!) we all tried to lay in bed together, again, as i continued to repeat our new mantra: "if the sun is not up you shouldn't be either. if the sun is not up you shouldn't be either..." we were all out of bed at 5:50. except for chris. he left for work at about 3:30am.

the kids and i were hanging out in the living room. since i went to bed at 10, i actually felt ok. not like the normal angry zombie mommy i usually am at 5:50am. so i was just sitting on the ground, watching dora the explorer, when i realized topher was not within eyesight.
"topher", i called.
no response.
he was probably in the kitchen, praying to the fridge to drop boxes of cereal into his greedy, chubby hands. he does that sometimes. i called him again.
"i do poo mom!" he called out excitedly.
that's weird cause 1.his voice came from the kitchen. and 2. i can see the green potty, it's about six feet from where i'm sitting, which means if he did poop, it wasn't in the potty.

so i slowly sauntered over to the kitchen, and to my horror, i found topher with crap smeared down both of his legs, an island of a steamy steamer a few steps behind him, floating in an ocean of urine. the horror. the horror.

topher got washed up in the tub, then sat in time out for 10 minutes where he was told to sit and think about what he had done. that's all i had. i have been told time and time again not to spank your kids for messing up while potty training. i'm just trusting other people on that, which is the only reason topher did not get spanked!  then i attacked the kitchen with a roll of paper towels, a plastic bag, and many a chlorox wipes. it looked like i got everything. so i threw the dirtiest plastic bag in the universe out to the outdoor trash. i went back to the kitchen and saw a tiny circle of smudged poop. how did i miss that during my disinfecting extravaganza? the only way i didn't see that is if... i was standing on it. i checked out my heel, and there i saw an identical circle of shmooshed poo. UGH!!!!!! one more cholorox wipe. for my heel.

then i looked at the carpet, right by the kitchen. (can i tell you again how happy i am that we live in an apartment right now? yes i will steam clean the crap out of the carpet. again. BUT, it is nice to know this is not my permanent carpet!) there was a wet spot. or it looked like a wet spot. i was hoping some urine had dripped off of topher's body while i rushed him into the bathroom. i approached the spot with more cholorox wipes. nope. it was more excrement. how did that get there, and why was it so flat?

well, it must have dripped off of topher's body, as i had predicted, and then i must have squashed the poo when i stepped in it. AGAIN. which on ly means i must have tracked poo from the kitchen to the bathroom. oh. the horror! i checked my feet to make sure that what i was hypothesizing was actually real, and there, on my foot, same one with the once poopy-heel, was a circle of shmooshed poo, identical to the circle of shmooshed poo on the carpet. MORE CHOLOROX WIPES PLEASE!

so, i guess topher's potty training is maybe not going as well as i thought it was last week. he takes two steps forward, then one step back. that step back today involved me getting a lot of dung on my dang foot.