lamenting myself in 2010 (and beyond...)

I realized I have a serious defect in my brain and spirit recently. I pray for things and envision the way God is going to answer that prayer.

Chris and I have been seriously praying for God to help us/take control of our finances since we did 'Financial Peace University' two years ago. Basically I envision money falling from the sky and Chris and I generously tithing said rain-money, and eating out more (what? I don't like cooking THAT much), and me buying as many $2 sale items as I can find, whether I need or even want said sale items or not.

So far, no money has fallen from the sky. Instead, Chris gets bouts of overtime, (which is a miracle since 'overtime' has become a very taboo word for municipal workers during this recession) and I have two jobs (working as a bookkeeper and watching Hobey). And I happen to have these two jobs while being able to work from home, hang out with my kids all the live long day, and still occassionally go to the office while being able to leave the kids with Chris. That's a huge blessing! But I am just barely thankful for these blessings. Why can't I just stay home with the kids and do nothing? Contribute nothing. Help no one but myself. And why doesn't Chris just get paid more? He works really hard. He should get paid more. I hate it when he gets overtime, cause that's more time he is away from the kids and I. I guess I really like the idea of sitting around with my family, having money fall down all around us, we just enjoy one another's company, and we do NOTHING else. That sounds great, right?

Me and my idiotic and lazy heart.

I occassionally blog about Jesus, and my faith, and my prayer requests and all that, but what I have come to realize, very ashamedly, in the last few weeks, is that I am one disgusting lazy Christian! I talk about how my faith is so important, and that if I had Jesus I would have nothing, but my words and actions are so very different.

Here are some disgusting things I have done/realized recently that show what a terrible Christian I am-

- When I sit down to do some quiet time and I have forgotten something like a pen, or even my Bible, I will say something stupid like: "Oh, I'm so tired. I will jsut have my quiet time without my pen (therefore no journalling) or my Bible (therefore no reading the Word!)" However, if I am in the middle of a random project, or I get a Sudoku game in front of me, I will immediately get up and search high and low for a pen. The hypocrisy of it all.

- While living with all of my in-laws over the last three months, I had at least 2 giant panic-stress attacks. One per household. I didn't know what Chris and I were doing. I didn't know what God was doing. We contemplated moving back into an apartment (the redundancy!) but knew that would cost a pretty penny, what with all the extra security deposits and what not. Instead of being super-thankful for our rent-less existence, we scrambled in our minds to figure out a way to dig ourselves out of 'the hole of unknowing' that we found ourselves in. It was so stressful and anti-productive. I am so glad we never actually acted on our craziness, cause we were SO BLESSED living with my in-laws for 3 months! not only did my relationship with all of my parents-in-law become more substantial, but we also saved some money in the midst of our genius idea to do Cancun and Christmas in the same month. I originally would have rathered God put us in a house right away and teach us patience and perseverance and all that in some other way, all while it was raining dollar bills outside but then I would have missed out on the relationships, and the building of my patience and perseverance.

- When I am watching a movie with the kids and I recognize the voice of a character but am not sure who it is, or if someone poses some random trivia question and I know not the answer- I am all up on Google looking to quench my need-to-know. Then the other day ago, Chris and I were reading Luke chapter 3, where Luke has Jesus' genealogy, and I felt compelled to compare it to the genealogy that is found in Matthew- and they are different! Wow! How many times have I read through Luke and not ever noticed that?!?!?! So Chris and I sat in bed pondering what the meaning of all this was. I said I would call Grandma Watson in the morning to figure it out, and so Chris and I called it a day. Why didn't I look that up on Google? Why was there no burning need-to-know in this situation?? Do you know when I figured out the answer? Like three days later. On Google.

Oh I loathe myself! I am truly a despicable despicable lukewarm hypocritical fleck of dust! Don't look at me Lord, I am hideous.

And yet- He loves me still. It's kind of insane.

I had a pretty great 2010- my niece Sunha was born, I saw my parents a few times, our family is healthy, Chris and I have jobs, and we have a plethora of people surrounding us who love us and support us in all that we do (they even let us live with them for weeks on end!!!), but I have to admit I did not learn very much from the Bible- because I hardly ever read it to learn more about God and further my relationship with Him.

I know it's only the fifth day of the new year, but I am doing so much better already! It does sound ridiculous to just change because of a new year, when really God gives us the opportunity to change every day.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lam 3:22-23)

Here's another gem from the same chapter:
"Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord." (Lam 3:40)

So! I have examined my ways- and they suck! So here's to a much more meaningful and spiritual and blessed 2011(me blessing the Lord and others around me I hope)
and beyond!