cheerful? really?

chris is back. he had a wonderful mancation. did i tell you some of the details to his trip yet? chris' buddy jeff turned 40 last month, so his present to himself was a man-trip to yellowstone national park with his brother and two of his best friends. of which chris fit the bill. jeff's brother and other bff flew in from new jersey on saturday and the boys took off on sunday. they took off in a prius. cause jeff is the most frugal man alive. so these 4 burly men, each weighing over 180lbs, jammed into a prius, and managed to spend $140 in gas for a round trip to wyoming and back. that's pretty impressive. there was lots of inadvertent snuggling in the car, as well as in the double beds that were slept in. so special...

anyhoo, chris came back in one piece, and still attracted to women, and we were so very very happy to see him. then came the 'task' of getting back into our routine, which really means very little to the kids and i, cause we don't have much of a routine. but for chris there was basketball (for the league he's in and payed money for)to be played, and much homework to be done. being a master's student is no walk in the park people.

so, i have these battles in my brain about how i can and should support my husband. though i was missing my hubby for many reasons while he was gone, i was happy he was able to go away to a beautiful place like yellowstone, and hike every day, and even catch 3 fish, and just RELAX and enjoy the glory of God in nature. which is something chris actually appreciates very much. one year chris and his brother were out on christmas watching the sunset and the sky was a mutitude of incredible colors, and chris was recounting the scene to me on the phone and he said: "Jesus really showed up on his birthday today." i thought it was lovely.

but, as much as i knew chris needed this trip, and i was happy he was able to go away, for so long, and it costing us so little (thanks again cheap jefff), with really hilarious guys, i was a bit... bitter? resentful? i don't know.

and then he came back. and i was so glad he was back. but then he had readings, and assignments, etc. etc. and so i was so glad for him to be back, but i found myself once again feeling a bit... annoyed? vexed?

and i am trying to be a really good and supportive wife. especially when the things chris does is good for our family's future. like his schooling, and when he works overtime (another source of bittersweetness for me), or even just goes to work at all! i nmy unrealistic perfect world, we would all just sit around, every day, eating, making merry, visiting with friends and family, and money would fall from the sky and no one would ever have to go to work... lame. i know. so yeah, chris does a lot for our family. and i know that right now, he just needs support. so i give it to him by doing stuff with the kids, and telling him that i support him with words. but my attitude is not reflecctive of the words i speak. and it sucks. chris asked me about 3 times this weekend if i was mad at him. and of course i said no. cause i wasn't. or was i? i don't know...

so then i was reminded of a verse that i sent to a friend of mine who was visiting a very sick friend. the verse is in 2 corinthians 9:8 and it goes like this:

"And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work."

so i reread that verse, cause i felt like it was appplicable to me, in the midst of my trying to do the 'good work' of being a supportive wife. but then i read the verse before it: (verse 7)

"Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

eww. really? cheerful? i definitely displayed zero ounces of cheerfulness in my sad attempts to support my husband this week. or even the last couple of weeks. i've already apologized to him, and of course he tells me that he appreciates me so much and i know that's true, and i absolutely do feel appreciated by him. i told him in our wedding vows that i would always stand by him, i told him (and his bosses) that our family supports his job and his need to be 'on call at all times' kind of thing. it's easy to support him when things are easy and going 'my way'. but once he is actually busy doing a million things at once, or getting called out while I (yeah, i capitalized that one) am busy doing something, then that support gets harder to muster. and to add cheerfulness on top of that? near impossible.

so that's been my struggle of late. and i am trying to deal with it. with some cheerfulness. and what a difference that little ingredient makes!