Sunday, February 21, 2016

when you want upon a star

when I last wrote, a month ago, I bragged about how mature and awesome I have become in my old age. since that post, I have pooped in my pants (thanks for nothing amoxicillin!) and fallen into a depression that could rival any self-centered 16 year old's. and that's why bragging is something we should all avoid.

I thought I was doing fine. my life is going really well! when i'm hanging out with people, I forget about myself. I forget that I hate my skin. i'm able to focus on others. but when i'm alone... it's bad news bears. my skin is just really really sucking still and I am so very frustrated about it. the most frustrating thing is that my Chinese voodoo herbal doctor did not heal me this time. and I really had all my eggs in that basket. but after about three weeks of suffering through drinking the most disgusting crap on earth, twice a day, I still look awful. and all I can think about is this verse:

"some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God."
-Psalm 20:7

ugh. was I trusting in my voodoo doctor too much? apparently. (she isn't a voodoo doctor. I;m just saying that to be hilarious. because I am hilarious.) but I would justify that she was giving me herbs, and herbs are from the earth, and God created the earth, so God was still healing me. it's like 6 degrees of separation from the Holy One. only I did this one in 4. and yet no healing. weird.

I've been wrestling a lot with the thin line that separates Wanting from Wishing.

Wishing is what my kids do when they throw pennies in a fountain. Wanting is what you do when you are prepared to make something happen.

I wish to be a successful blogger or writer one day. But I only write once a month because I would rather get more sleep than write. So this stays in the wish category.

I WANT to have my skin clear up. So I have gone to my Chinese herbalist, and the dermatologist, and my regular family doctor, and I spend tons of money on lotions and potions, and I am back to being red meat-free, pork-free, dairy free, gluten free, fried food less, seafood less, and I am taking every vitamin under the sun, and I am sun bathing, and basically driving myself insane with trying to get my skin better.

But then when I am weak and I eat some sushi, or a taco, or some ice cream, or some other offending food, I go from WANTING better skin, to just wishing for it. 'I hope this burger doesn't jack me up!' blow out the candles.

Is there something that you think you Want, but in fact you are just wishing for it?

Our pastor even talked about this in his sermon this weekend.

he spoke about the invalid in John 5:6-8. this man had been unable to walk for 38 years, and Jesus approaches him and asks: "Do you want to be healed?"

He asks do you WANT to be healed. not 'do you WISH to be healed?'

The man obviously says he wants to be healed and Jesus commands him to pick up his bed and walk. AND HE DOES IT! And is healed.

I am guilty of often times praying and asking God for something and wishing for Him to miraculously make it all happen. too often I am the man who says I want to be healed, but when God tells me to get up and pick up my bed and walk, I sit and stare and think 'how come I am not magically levitating and you haven't picked my bed up for me Lord?'

it is so easy to wish. to throw those coins. to blow out those candles. to wish upon a shooting star! but it is so hard to want. to do the work. to put in the effort. to be totally and completely healed.

what do you need healing for or from?

is it your body? your marriage? your mind? your friendships? your finances? what is it???

God can heal you. He is healing me. slowly. frustratingly so. but He is. when I stop being obsessed with myself and all the things that are wrong with me, I can see it and I can feel it. and I want to encourage you my friend, that you can be healed too. you are not alone. get out of that bed (I had a very hard time with that this last week and even cried once. pathetic! but that's ok!) put your big girl pants on. and tell me what you want. let's Want to get healed together, and leave the wishing to cute little kids at their birthday parties.

2 comments:

Tara Dunn said...

I cannot begin to imagine what you go through or how you feel but I just want you to know how much I look up to youand your strength. You are so wise my friend and I will be praying for you extra xoxo

J Barnhoorn said...

Wish I could give you a hug! You are not alone. Janice