i wrote in my post the other day ago that lily always asks if i am happy. and i said it's cause she doesn't want me to be sad. then i thought about changing that sentence numerous times. no, she doesn't want me to be mad at her. she doesn't want me to spank her. she does not care if i am sad.
i often do not know what lily is thinking. but here's what i do know- lily thinks in terms of happy and sad. when we sit to draw, lots of different things come out on the pages- giraffes, flowers, tracings of her hands, of mine, numbers, letters, and always happy faces and sad faces. when i draw a happy face, she makes a happy face herself. on her face. then she changes her face to a sad face and requests that i draw a sad face. this is one of her favorite things. happy and sad faces. these mean something to her.
i have embarrassingly enough shown my sad face to her many many times. my frustrated face, my tired face, and my disappointed-with-myself face are all the same to lily. they are not happy faces. they are sad ones. it is something i am going to try to conceal more this year. lily takes my sadness as personally as i take her not being able to use the potty yet. even if i am frustrated with topher's disobedience, lily looks at me and asks: "happy mom?"
i can't explain the concept of joy in pain to her yet. so i take a deep breath and say "yes." cause i still have joy in the midst of her naughtiness, and topher's disobedience. these are my babies. they are so crazy. but i love them so much. they bring me such joy.
today was another crazy day in the watson apartment. a great day. and a crazy day. it started at 6ish. it's 10 and it's finally winded down. but lily for some reason would not go to bed. all these excuses of being scared of something she could not explain, needing some water, needing her blanket to be placed on the foot of the bed just so, no- not like that mom, like this, one more song, one more prayer. not exactly what i was needing after an already too long day.
lily came out one more time. she found a piece of garbage that NEEDED to be put in the garbage IMMEDIATELY lest the apartment implode from the mess. i allowed my girl to give in to her inner streaky neat-freak, and then i decided to change her diaper one more time before bed. between her and sungu, i have changed bedsheets 3 times this week. and they are both still in diapers.
so i changed lillers diaper and helped her pop up the way she likes to after she has received the gift of a dry butt. she popped up, into my arms, where we sat and hugged. i whispered in her ear that she really makes me so happy. and she looked at me and gave me the biggest, juiciest smooch! it was dripping with love and acceptance. i tell her all the time that she is cute, and that she is a special girl, and that she is pretty, and that she is a great sister to topher. but never before had i gotten this huge a response from her. finally! i had said the simplest words that actually meant something to her!
i guess another new year's resolution is to find out the special language that actually means something to lily, and the other special language that will mean something to topher. and this is another resolution that i do not intend to break.